Tuesday, July 7, 2009

The Other Blog

After 1/3 of a year, I'm running out of steam.

I'm updating my other blog, bycurtis.blogspot.com semi-frequently.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Blog of Evolutionary Dead Ends

The Insular Cave Rat -- Way to die out, loser!
Gastrocopta chichijimana -- A snail or something. What the hell was nature thinking?
Paleomastadon -- Sucked. Died.
White-winged Sandpiper -- Good job screwing up, evolution.
Mustela lutreola (European Mink) -- This thing is not only dead, it became extinct in the Netherlands. Pathetic.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Blog of Corporate Herstory

  • Hershey's chocolate was invented by a man, but with support of many women. None of them have been included in the "official" version of the Hershey's corporate history, but they're there.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Blog of Reasons that Girl, What Are You Thinking?

  • C'mon, just look at him.
  • NO. Just no.
  • You are NOT wearing that skirt.
  • What? WHAT? Are you joking? Is this some sort of joke?
  • He. Is. A. Player.
  • Please.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Blog of People Who Have Walked Into My Office, Looking Like Trouble.

Every day this blog will post about one person who walked into my office, looking like a big tall glass of trouble. Not that I wouldn't help, of course, but sometimes you just get that gut instinct. This time, that instinct was a 270 pound pug hitting me in the stomach, telling me "Hey kid, this here's trouble."

  • This tall leggy dame. You know the kind. Pouty lips and soft, caring eyes. Both lied, but what a lie.
  • Little squirrely guy. Big, thick glasses that didn't help him see that his socks were mismatched. But I didn't need glasses to see that trouble was following him around as surely as a dog follows the hot dog man.
  • Tall sucker. Not from around here. His jacket barely hit his waist, and I barely avoided hitting him square in the jaw, simply for having the audacity to come into my office, trailing so much g-d d--n trouble.
  • Cripes. Of all the days, why today? I had sworn to myself that if one more robot walked through the door, I'd become a nun and move down to San Miguel. Look like I need to go shopping for a habit.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Daily Blog of Automated Suggestions

  • If you like this blog, you may also like buttons.
  • If you like this blog, you may also like the internet.
  • If you like this blog, you may also like automated suggestions.
  • If you like this blog, you may also like fortune cookies.
  • If you like this blog, you may also like descriptive 19th century British novels about the gentry.
  • If you like this blog, you may also like the sun.
  • If you like this blog, you may also like mazes for children.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

The Blog of Blogs Names the Thing of Things.

  • Keyboard of Keyboards: The 1912 Royal No. 5 Typewriter
  • Soda of Sodas: CoolMint Pop (made in Kentucky from 1979 to 1982)
  • Comb of Combs: That black one, with the pointy things.
  • Element of Elements: Hydrogen.
  • Life-Sustaining Planet of Life-Sustaining Planets: Earth.
  • Bullet Point of Bullet Points: The one just to the left here. You know, the little circle.
  • Sarcastic Rejoinder of Sarcastic Rejoinders: "Oh, yeah?"
  • Die of Dice: White, with black dots. (non-fuzzy)

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Blog of Rejected Transformers

Robots that turn into:
  • Bust of Abraham Lincoln.
  • Turns from robot to slightly smaller robot.
  • Chinaman.
  • Sheet cake. (Has helper robots that are candles.)
  • Broom.
  • Hagrid, from the Harry Potter series.
  • A Tuna Fishing Boat.
  • Betamax player.
  • Roomba.
  • Instructional guide on how to dance the "robot."
  • An idea.
Please note that the preceding list does not distinguish whether or not each robot was a good "Autobot," (from the greek "auto," meaning "self," and "bot," the shortened form of robot. Autobots are "self robots," or, to be more precise, "self-actualized robots," meaning they are at peace with themselves) or an evil "Decepticon," (a combination of "deceptive" and "conniving," meaning the Decepticons are decieving themselves into thinking that they are good). This is because it is not up to us to decide if a robot is good or evil, and it is not made that way. It must find its own way over time to Autobot or Decepticon.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Daily Blog That Turns Out to Be A Dream

The latest album by Arcade Fire therefore isn't there best. It has plenty of things going for it, but...WOAH!

That's so weird. I dreamt that I cared about Arcade Fire.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz

Guys, if you don't treat each other with respect in the comments section, I'm going to turn off the comments. I don't have time to moderate all of these...

what?

I was dreaming about...something. Comments? What the hell?

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Daily Blog of Describing Magic Tricks

Well, this doesn't seem like much of a trick. I guess he's just showing us that his sleeves roll up? Not much of a trick--HOLY SHIT WHERE'D THOSE FLOWERS COME FROM? Wow! They just appeared!

HOCUSPOCUSRAZZLEDAZZLE

So someone from the audience is up on stage. She's getting into a box. It's a normal sized box, the kind you would put a whole lot of baseball bats into. So she's getting in. Hmmm. Her legs are sticking out the edge of the box. Maybe that's the trick? That he cut holes in the box? He's spinning the box around now, which is a nice trick. Clearly the box has a sturdy set of track wheels on the bottom, which can be hard to attach to a box like that...wait. He's got a saw. Is he going to saw the wheels off of the box, so it's immobile?

No...he's sawing the box in half! That fool! Did he forget that he just put a woman inside there? Someone better tell him that box isn't empty! Why can't he see that there's a woman in that box! HER LEGS ARE STICKING OUT OF THE BOTTOM, AND HER HEAD OUT OF THE TOP! Say something, woman!

Oh god...oh god oh god oh god. She's been cut clean in half. Oh god oh god...there's less blood than I'd expect...but I Can't watch. This is a dark day for magic, people...

Wait. He put her back together. Well, this seems to be lucky. She's okay! Oh thank god.

HOCUSPOCUSRAZZLEDAZZLE

Okay, this guy has shuffled the deck. Not magic, but impressive. Now someone has to pull out a card. Maybe there is a string attached to the card?

No strings, apparently. We have to memorize the card. Well, it's the 5 of clubs. Nothing magical about that. That's a card that could appear in any nonmagical deck.

Now he's put the card back in the deck. Apparently, he's given up on the trick. He's just shuffling the deck up. Excuse me, I have been directed to look into my pocket. Well, someone left a 5 of clubs in my pocket. That is quite the coincidence, isn't it?

I wonder when this trick will start?

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Blog of Dangerous Effects From Simple Foods

The Peanut Butter Larvae

The Peanut Butter Larvae lives inside peanut butter. There is no way to test for it. Once you eat it, your days are numbered. THIS THING LIVES IN ORDINARY PEANUT BUTTER, PEOPLE! The only way to know if your peanut butter has been contaminated is through a visual inspection. The average Peanut Butter Larvae is 3 inches long, and bright pink. DO NOT EAT PEANUT BUTTER CONTAMINATED WITH PEANUT BUTTER LARVAE.


The Oreo Cookie Virus

Eating even a single Oreo cookie with the Oreo virus in it can be instantly fatal. There have been THOUSANDS of cases of Oreo Cookie virus in the media, several of them have almost been confirmed. The only way to avoid getting the Oreo cookie virus is through prayer, because let's be honest: it's not like you're going to stop eating cookies. EVEN IF THEY COULD KILL YOU.


Restaurant Ketchup Botulism


Restaurant Ketchup Botulism can be caught from Restaurant Ketchup. Not even using restaurant ketchup. JUST THINKING ABOUT IT. BE SCARED.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Daily Blog of Suspicious Activities

  • Questioning Authority
  • Repeating Statements Made by Authorities in a Sarcastic Manner
  • Comparing Actions Made by the Authorities to 1984 or Animal Farm
  • Evasive Smirking
  • Speaking in Pig Latin
  • Listening to Pink Floyd's "The Wall" More Than Once a Half-Decade
  • Loud, Angry Sighing
  • Buttering Bread That is Not Your Own
  • Offering A High Five, But Then Removing Hand Ostentatiously and Declaring "Too Slow."

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Daily Blog of the Day's Date

June 16th:

Today is June 16th.


June 17th:

Today is June 17th.


June 18th:

Today is June 18th.


June 20th:

Today is June 20th. Sorry about missing that post yesterday.


June 23rd:

Today is June 23rd.


July 18th:

Today is July 18th. Sorry I haven't been updating, I've been super busy at work.


July 30th:

Just installed Google Adsense. Trying to make a bit of money on this blog. I'll also try to update more.


August 1st:

Today is August 1st. Remember to click on the ad links!


August 26th:

Again, sorry for not updating. Oh, it's August 26th.


September 19th:

This blog will be shutting down.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Daily Blog of Catching Up With You

  • How're the kids?
  • Still rollerblading?
  • Is that garden still doing well?
  • How's...what's his name?
  • Do you still own that one shirt you used to wear? That shirt was great.
  • Updated your driver's license lately?
  • Have you seen anyone fatter than that one fat guy we saw at the mall?
  • How many days has it been since we've seen each other? How many preventable deaths occurred in that time?
  • You ever solve that mystery you kept going on about?
  • So, looks like you took care of that unibrow. Good work!
  • Still addicted to methadone?
  • How much have you missed me? Honestly.

Monday, June 15, 2009

This Blog is Breaking Up With You, Every Day

June 7th, 2009

I'm sorry. There will be no more posts after this one. It was great, but it's time for both of us to move on.


June 8h, 2009

You're still here? Really?

C'mon. Don't do this to yourself. Go to a different blog. No, don't say that. Don't be so melodramatic. There are millions and millions of other blogs.


June 9th, 2009

Look, I don't want to have to change my URL. Don't make me do this.


June 10th, 2009

Stop it. Just stop checking back here for updates.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Reviews of Animals

Giraffe: 3.5 stars
Hippo: 3 stars
Duck (Mallard): 2 stars
Pigeon: 1 star
Tiger: 4 stars
Penguin: 4 stars
Coyote: 2 stars
Snake (cobra): 1.5 stars
Human: 5 stars

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Daily Blog of Indescribable Sadness

It's too much. I just feel so much pain, you know?

: ( : ( : ( : ( : ( : (

This blog is not large enough to channel the darkness.

: ( : ( : ( : ( : ( : (

Morose. That is how I feel right now.

: ( : ( : ( : ( : ( : (

Tried to update the blog, but couldn't think of how to describe my sadness properly. This made me more even sadder.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Blog of Unholy Combinations

  • Peanut Butter and Pepperoni
  • Vampires and Guns
  • Ice Cream and Antifreeze
  • Hitler and Anything
  • Credit Cards and Booze
  • Deliciousness and Deadliness
  • Coke and Pepsi
  • Chinese Finger Trap and Fingers
  • The Moon and The Sun
  • Luggage and Crabjuice

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Video Game Tip Blog

Super Android

On level 3, walk into the wall on the right for 5 minutes. You will then pass through the wall into a room that has the Double Pistol, which you normally can't find until level 6.


Zombie Castle Invasion

Shoot the castle with your zombie gun. If you hit the castle in the right portcullis, the castle will turn purple.


Clean The House!

Use the mop on the broom. This will supercharge the broom, so it can clean 1.5 times as fast.


Click on a Series of Boxes

If you click near enough to the box, but not actually on the box, the program will interpret your click as if you had actually clicked on the box.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Yogurt Flavors

  • Tart
  • Melon-ish
  • Stew
  • Spring Rain
  • Chalupa
  • Youtube
  • Smoker's Cough
  • The Tears of a Dove
  • Chili

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Blog of Uneventful Days in World History

August 14th, 889 AD

Jerard Cooperson eats an entire loaf of bread while farming.


December 19th, 1978

Robert Benjamin opens up his few meager birthday presents, only to be told that he will receive the big presents on Christmas, 6 days from now. Not for the first time, he feels cheated.


May 3rd, 1936

Thomas Stowl sees a penny, picks it up, then tells his family, currently walking with him, "See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck!" His family pretends not to hear him.


September 19th, 2007

Daniel Hightower checks his email, finds he has not received any, then clicks "Reload" on the off chance that he received email in the several seconds that had passed. He had not.


June 23rd, 15920 BCE

A monkey burps, then laughs.


October 5th, 1983

Carl Blankenship realizes that disco is dead. This does not affect him in any meaningful way.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Blog of Intros to Science Fiction Shows

  • Space is vast, and uncaring. In the future, there will be people who travel through it.
  • Mankind never knew that its greatest enemy of all was itself.
  • Humans have learned to live peacefully with aliens. This is the story of the robots that serve them both.
  • Look around you. Do you notice anything weird? Maybe not yet, but you will. You are now in the Museum of the Bizarre. Watch your step.
  • What if wizards and dragons were real, but actually aliens? Well, they are. I should know. I'm a dragonslayer. My name is Captain Benjamin Trotsko. I pilot a spaceship.
  • Virtual reality has become reality.
  • Intergalactic factions have fought each other for millenia, searching for the Relic of Power. That relic is on Earth. I am that relic.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Blog of Cell Phone Features

  • One-way calling
  • Abrupt voice modulation
  • Automatic drunk txt
  • Blippy lights
  • So thin it causes your hands to bleed when you answer incoming calls
  • Comes in cool colors: sepia, earth tone, brown.
  • 7 screens
  • Annoying ring tone
  • Covered in velcro
  • Way too big for your pocket
  • Plays most boring video games
  • Smells like old ham
  • Must be purchases with 10-year contract

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Blog of Things to Say During Awkward Conversations

  • Well, this is awkward, right?
  • I have a hearing problem, and I didn't hear any of that. Let's move on.
  • What's that over there? I'm going to leave while you look.
  • Right, right.
  • I'm sorry, I thought we were talking about something else.
  • So, ever played Monopoly? That's quite the game.
  • Let's just eat, okay?
  • I'm dying.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Blog of Connections that Do Not Indicate a Conspiracy Theory

  • "Cheese" has exactly 6 letters. Woodrow Wilson sent exactly six letters on February 21st, 1913.
  • People from Baltimore sometimes pronounce "Baltimore" as "Ballmer." Steve Ballmer is CEO of Microsoft, a company which sells its Windows Operating System in many cities, including....Baltimore.
  • "La Cucaracha" is a song about a cockroach which cannot walk anymore. It starts with the word "la." In many songs, "la" is used to carry the melody, as in "la la la."
  • The Knights Templar was founded in 1119. If you reverse the numbers, you get 9111, which is a date very far in the future in which nothing has happened. Yet.
  • John F. Kennedy's initials were J.F.K. That's exactly 3 letters. C.I.A. also has 3 letters. The C.I.A. existed at the same time that Kennedy existed.
  • The speed of light in a vacuum is approximately 3 x 10^8 meters per second. The album Remain in Light, by the Talking Heads, has exactly 8 tracks, none of which are exactly 3 minutes long.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Blog of Well-Intentioned Advice

  • Make sure to save money responsibly.
  • A friend is a good thing to have.
  • Baskets can hold just about anything that is smaller than a basket.
  • Help people out.
  • If a restaurant charges you $1.50 to add cheese to an item, bring your own cheese!
  • Beware things that can hurt you.
  • Look people in the eyes. All the time.
  • Allow good things to happen in your life, while limiting the bad things that happen.
  • Believe the unbelievable, unbelieve the believable.
  • You can.
  • Don't pass the buck, but don't hold on to for too long either.
  • Block the sun with your hand if it's in your eyes.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Blog of Celebrating Milestones for This Blog

Hey guys, this is the very first post for the Blog of Celebrating Milestones for This Blog! I'm sure it may not seem like much now, but years from now everyone will look back on this post and think, "Hey, that's where it all started."

Post number 1!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TGIF. TGIF. That's right, Thank God It's Friday. This is the very first, and so far ONLY, post on a Friday. Never before, and not for at least another 6 days, has this blog been updated on a Friday.

Ladies and gentleman, this blog has reached a true milestone today. And all I can say is "TGIF."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~

6 is the magic number, oh yes it is, it's the magic number.
-School House Rock
That's right, this is post number 6. Many blogs don't make it to number 6. Some blogs only make it to 2, or 3, or 4 posts and then pack up. Not this blog. This blog, the Blog of Celebrating Milestones for This Blog, has made it well past 4, and past even 5 (what a milestone that was!) and is now at a total of SIX POSTS!

Why is six the magic number? It's the product of the first three positive integers: 1, 2, and 3. The next magic number post won't be until post 24. This post therefore has a special, hidden mathematical significance.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This post is not special. There is no milestone related to this post. This is the very first post to have nothing important associated with it! A truly meta-milestone for the Blog of Celebrating Milestones for This Blog.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is the last post for the Blog of Celebrating Milestones for This Blog. When future civilizations unearth our data servers, restart the internet, and decode this blog, they will mark this day as one of great change. Their calendars will read: 856 A.B.o.C.M.f.T.B.S.D. That's 856 years After Blog of Celebrating Milestones for This Blog Shut Down.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Blog of Names of Green Paint

  • Evergreen
  • Oscar-fur
  • Envy
  • Leaf
  • Underside of leaf
  • Yellow + Blue
  • 00FF00
  • Seagreen
  • Matrix-Green
  • Space Alien Skin

Monday, June 1, 2009

Blog of 404 Messages

  • The blog you are looking for cannot be found. Please find it somewhere else.
  • Sorry, the page you requested is missing.
  • This blog has gone the way of print media.
  • Hey Sherlock! This page isn't here. Also, what are you doing here? THIS IS NOT VICTORIAN ENGLAND.
  • You failed to find this blog.
  • Error! Error!
  • BL404G
  • This is not an easter egg. This is a 404 message.
  • You broke the internet.
  • Go back to friendster, jackass. That's right, I said it. The page you are looking for cannot be found.
  • The URL you are trying to visit has slipped silently into a hidden crevice of the internet, perhaps never to be found again.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Blog of Guessing What Happened At Parties The Blogger Didn't Go To

Date: May 17th, 2008
Party: Crazy Wig Party, Samantha's House

So first off, everyone probably got really drunk, but on really really good booze. Hundred dollar, gold-infused booze. Then they did drugs, like really good drugs. I MEAN REALLY AMAZING DRUGS! They will never forget that party.

But I will. Because I wasn't there. I couldn't find a wig in time.


Date: July 4th, 2008
Party: Dave's 4th of July Party and BBQ

The BBQ had been slow cooking for hours. The fireworks were so loud and so amazing that clouds cried. There was a keg filled with root beer, which was used to continually fill up root beer floats. Everyone there was granted Super-American status, and now they don't have to pay taxes. But in a good way.

Ugh.


Date: August 24th, 2008
Party: Ed's Bar Private Event

First off, everyone took off their clothes. And then, sex. S-E-X.

Meanwhile, I watched Mannequin 2: On The Move in Spanish on Univision. I didn't really understand what was going on.


Date: December 19th, 2008
Party: FedEx Kinko's Management Christmas Party

Although the Secret Santas were not allowed to purchase anything over $10, each gift was genuinely touching and thought through. One person got a new car! Another got a life-saving bone marrow transplant! Christmas partys are great!

Unless you're working. To cover your manager's shift.


Date: December 25th, 2008
Party: Family's Christmas Celebration

So my whole family gathers around the tree. Everyone exchanges presents. But then, what do they find? I'm NOT there! But it doesn't matter, because they find that the biggest gift is from me, and it has a card attached which says "Thank you for being a friend."

And thanks for not offering to pay for my plane ticket home.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Blog That Is a Lat e1960s-Early 1970s Mixtape, Updated Daily

With this blog, one song will be added a day to a killer late 1960s-early 1970s mixtape. By the time to blog has ended, it will be the world's longest late 1960s-early 1970s mixtape.

  • "Mr. Flower Man, Why Do You Frown?" by The Ketchup
  • "Sunshone" by The Helpfuls
  • "That Tingly Feeling On the Tip Of Your Aura is Love" by The Far-Outs
  • "Little Birdy, Let's Go To San Francisco Together" by The Draft Yankees
  • "Your Eyes Are So Pretty, Hippy Lady" by The Much Rooms
  • "In The Astral Plane" by Edgar Zeef and His Happy Followers
  • "Orange Floating Happiness" by Lonely Soldier Dunn
  • "Put A Flower In Your Hat and Mint in Your Shoes" by Sammy Stonewall
  • "Mind Trip" by The Heavy Thinkers
  • "The Far Out Man" by Maryanne Janeanne

Friday, May 29, 2009

Blog of Things To Like Ironically

  • Mullets
  • Black Velvet paintings
  • 70s Television
  • Non-Ironic Attachments
  • Math and Science
  • Ted Danson

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Blog of Cute Things to Say To A Baby

  • Whosa watchums? WHOOSA WATCHUMS?
  • Buggity buggity boo! BUGGITY BUGGITY BOO!
  • Zoopy zoopy zoop? ZOOPY ZOOPY ZOOP!
  • A buhbuhbuh. A buhbuhbuh! A BUHBUHBUHBUHBUH!
  • Heehooheehoo. HEEHOOHEEHOO!
  • Booey booey booey. BOOEY BOOEY!
  • Whaza kewtie pie? WHAZA WITTLE KEWTIE PIE?

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Blog of Pizza Toppings for Rich People

  • Gorilla
  • Lamborghini
  • 1,000 year old cheese
  • Other, very expensive pizzas
  • The good parts of Los Angeles
  • Gold covered diamonds
  • Bacon
  • Dragon Wings
  • Cheese, baked INTO the crust
  • Pepperonis cloned from the Great Pepperoni
  • $1,000,000 in Monopoly Money

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Blog of Theme Song Melodies

  • The first part is like "duh duhduhduh," then it goes "bum bum!"
  • A trumpet plays, over rock guitar, this like "doo doo doo, doo doo!" then guitar goes "rwao!"
  • A chorus with a lot of "oooh ooh awes" then a soul singer sings "yeahhhhhh...woah...hey!"
  • Piew pow! Piew piew pow!
  • Unch unch unch unch tk tk tk unch unch unch unch
  • Xylophone and harp! Both playing the same melody, sort of an upbeat, like "bah da da! bah duh-dah bah...dip dip dip!"
  • "Boo boo boo, boo boo BOO, boo BOO boo BOO BOO!" (repeat)

Monday, May 25, 2009

Blog of Games for Children

*Where's the Monster?

Everyone covers his/her eyes, counts to 20, then opens them. After everyone has opened his/her eyes, he/she searches for the Monster! After 5 minutes, the children realize that THEY are the true monster. Every time they've been mean to someone, every time they've lied, every time they've done something they wish knew they hadn't, they gave up their humanity just a little.

(Note: This game invented by a young Rod Serling. He was borderline creepy, even then.)


*Space Aliens vs Indians

Half the children pretend they are peaceful Native Americans (hereafter referred to, incorrectly, as "Indians"). These children take part in various cultural ceremonies, which mostly involve talking in slow, stilted English and not using correct verb tenses. The other children are the Space Aliens. They land and quickly destroy the Indians with their far superior weaponry. When only 1 Indian remains, the Space Aliens teach that Indian their secrets, and they all build a pyramid together. BECAUSE IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT THERE IS NO WAY THAT HUMANS COULD HAVE BUILT THE PYRAMIDS. The pyramids are just too complicated. Space alien technology must have been involved.

(Note: This game educates as it entertains.)


*TAG Body Spray® Tag

One child is "it." This child is given a can of TAG Body Spray®. The other children are given a 10 second head start. The child who is "it" tries to cover the other children with TAG Body Spray®. This game can be played for hours and hours. If the children run out of TAG Body Spray®, they must beg their parents, forcefully and repeatedly, for more TAG Body Spray®.

(Note: This game invented by Proctor & Gamble, owners of TAG Body Spray® and its subsidiaries. )


*Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones

One child is the "Geek." Everyone else tries to hurt this child as much as possible without actually physically hurting him/her. This game never really ends until the "Geek" either gains the psychic abilities he/she always suspected lay dormant within and exacts a horrible revenge, or he/she becomes a blogger, and hides the past in a thick blanket of sarcasm and feigned elitism.


*Historical CryptoFeminism

For 3-5 children. Children search works of antiquity for early evidence of feminist thought. ONCE AGAIN, ANY EVIDENCE OF SUCH MODERN VIEWS AND MODES OF THOUGHT CAN ONLY BE EXPLAINED BY SPACE ALIENS.

(Note: This game edutains as it entercates.)


*Jab In The Eye, Kick In The Teeth

Should never, ever be played. Please, please never play this game.


*Potato or Boulder?

One child, the "draw-er," draws a picture of either a potato or a boulder. The other children must collectively decide if the picture is of a potato or of a boulder. If they guess correctly, they get the pleasure of a job well done. If they guess incorrectly, then they know that at least they learned valuable communication skills that will help them for the rest of their life. Someone new is now the draw-er.

(Note: This game is hours of fun.)

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Blog of Spoilers!

This blog pledges to spoil your enjoyment of something every single day, simply by telling you the ending.

SPOILER ALERT!

Movies: Generally end with a credit sequence.

SPOILER ALERT!

Pencils: Long before you sharpen it down to the theoretical lower limit of pencil length (approximately 1"), you will lose it. You will not realize you lost the pencil until you need a pencil. It's loss will go unmourned.

SPOILER ALERT!

Supermarket Checkout Line: Will seem like the slowest line in the store. The cashier will hand back your change and the receipt at the same time, causing you to stop to put the receipt in the bag and the change in your pocket/purse. This will hold up the line for 5 seconds, which you will feel bad about for the next 30 minutes.

SPOILER ALERT!

Eating beans: Someone will make a joke about farting. Perfunctory chuckles will ensue.

SPOILER ALERT!

Bible (Old Testament): God will get very angry.

SPOILER ALERT!

Bible (New Testament): Jesus will arrive, then die, then come back, then leave. Then: CRAZINESS.

SPOILER ALERT!

Sandwich: Once you eat that sandwich, you're not going to have any sandwich left.

SPOILER ALERT!

Magic: Is not actually magic. Sorry.

SPOILER ALERT!

That Mail-in Rebate: Will be more hassle than it is worth.

SPOILER ALERT!

Ideas you held in college: Will seem less important. Some will seem ridiculous.

SPOILER ALERT!

The Die: Will roll a number from 1 to 6, inclusive.

SPOILER ALERT!

The Juicer: Will not be used as often as you originally claimed it would when you ordered it.

SPOILER ALERT!

Trivial Pursuit: Will be less and less fun as time passes. You will have 2 pieces of pie. Others will have more pieces than you, but no more than 4. You will want to quit, but don't want to seem like a sore loser. You wait until you are ahead so you can amicably quit the game. Others will continue playing due to respect for your choice of game. Finally, someone will yawn and say "It looks like it's time for me to turn in."

SPOILER ALERT!

This blog: Will gradually be updated less and less frequently. Each post will start with an apology for not posting. Finally, all updates will stop.

SPOILER ALERT!

You: Will die someday.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Blog of Oh Crap What Should I Blog About How About Things On My Desk Here

  • Okay here so let's see it looks like there's some post it notes. That's pretty great, huh? Post-it notes. Another great example of an invention by someone who wasn't looking for anything in particular. You never know when inspiration might strike, is the point. Like, for instance, right now, looking over my desk, suddenly inspiration may strike me...but it has not.
  • Monitor, monitor, monitor. Minotaur! Half-bull, half-man. Just like a monitor is half screen, half back-of-screen. So many connections. So many possibilities. If anyone has any feedback about this blog, feel free to leave comments!
  • Lint brushes are the under appreciated workhorses of the white collar industry, when you think about it. They keep people with cats and/or dogs from appearing as if they own cats and/or dogs. What would do without lint brushes? Probably all get blue-collar jobs. Not that there's anything wrong with that. It's just that lint brushes are important is all.
  • What the hell is this? Jesus, that's weird. I think it's just a piece of paper, but it kind of looks like a bug? Not sure.
  • Scissors are really like humans, if you think about it. The cutting part of the scissors is like a person's legs, and the loop parts are like the torso. The bolt in the middle is kind of like a person's waist, because both serve as pivot points. If there were more parts to scissors I could continue this analogy farther.
  • Speakers. Without speakers, using computers would be purely a visual experience. Speakers add SOUND to that experience, making TWO total ways of experiencing the internet. Without speakers, what would the internet be like? Close your eyes and think about it. It's like that.
  • This can of empty Mountain Dew is like a calling card of sorts. You see, I started drinking Mountain Dew way before it was cool, when the only people who drank it were me & wind surfers & harcore skaters. Now everyone drinks it. This can is empty. I think I'll go recycle it. Sorry about this lame blog post.
  • Crap. I really shouldn't have cleaned my desk. Uhm....air? There's air on my desk? Air is important, right? Politicians should spend more time talking about air. No one is anti-air.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Blog of Dinner Ideas

  • Let's see, what do we have here? Maybe some rice? I've got that brown rice that you like, and I was thinking we could cook some chicken with it? Chicken and rice?
  • These carrots are going to go bad, so whatever we make, let's have carrots on the side, okay?
  • Can we just order pizza? I am way too tired to cook.
  • Hungry Man Dinner with Syrup and Meat Chunks
  • Pork, On Fire
  • Oh my goodness! We haven't had meatloaf in AGES!
  • The chunky soup? What's that called?

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Blog of Ideas for Cover Art for Heavy Metal Albums

  • Woman in leather fights demon.
  • Demon fights devil.
  • Two devils setting off fireworks.
  • Sports car driven by Satan.
  • Bikini-clad woman with evil eyes.
  • Naked woman rising from smoke.
  • Car made out of demons.
  • Chains made out of naked women.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Blog of Ideas for Cross-overs, Every Day

  • Nietzsche's √úbermensch vs the Flash
  • Captain Crunch Beefheart
  • Law & Order & Lewis & Clark, SVU
  • Cosby, Stills, and Nash
  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Meet Clara Barton
  • American Midol

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Blog of Away Messages

  • I am currently away from the computer.
  • If you are trying to chat with me, I am not chatting back. This is an automated response. Do not try to respond to it, or you will receive another automated response.
  • Away.
  • Sorry, stepped away for a moment. Please entertain yourself while you wait for me to return.
  • Although my chat client is currently online, I am not using it. Why I left my chat client connected but walked away is beyond me.
  • I am away. Genuinely away. This is not an away message posted just to make it seem like I'm away, because I don't want to talk to you. This is starting to sound suspicious, isn't it? Well, I'm away. For reals.
  • Click here for info on this message.
  • This Away Message was purchased from the Blog of Away Messages.
  • There is no one here to respond to your messages. Please stop.
  • OMG! Right?
  • I am doing real-life stuff right now.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Daily Blog of Sidekicks

  • Helpful Lad
  • Detective #2
  • Sloppy Seconds
  • Turnip, The Helper
  • Minor Deity
  • Garfunkel
  • Good-boy
  • Right Hand

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Daily Blog of Hilarious Typos!

On the American Airlines website, when searching for flights to Missoula, Montana, it only mentions flights to "Missoula MT" Uhm...hello? WHERE'S THE COMMA? I smell a typo!

TYPO! TYPO! TYPO!

An eagle-eyed reader sent in this little typo, spotted at a fruit stand. It's a picture of her local produce stand, with a sign that reads "Apples ¢79" That's funny, because that's not a unit of currency I understand. I THINK he meant "Apples 79¢." After all, the cent sign goes AFTER the units, unlike the dollar sign! Anyone smell the smell that I am currently smelling? If so, you're smelling typo!

TYPO! TYPO! TYPO!

In the U.S. Constitution, Article I, Section 2, the author states:
The actual Enumeration shall be made within three Years after the first Meeting of the Congress of the United States, and within every subsequent Term of ten Years, in such Manner as they shall by Law direct.
Okay, that's great, but WHAT'S WITH ALL THE UNNECESSARY CAPITALIZATION??? Democracy, you REEK of typos!

TYPO! TYPO! TYPO!

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Daily Blog of Ways to Recycle Extra Buttons

  • Use them to replace buttons that have fallen off.
  • Place in soda: button soda!
  • Inexpensive Pog substitute, should you be transported back to 1993, but not have enough money to buy pogs.
  • Eyes for that rabbit that you will love with all of your heart, but accidentally leave behind when you finally leave the summer house; the loss will be both poignant and heart-wrenching, but you will have finally grown up.
  • Pennies for blind people. Blind people who also cannot feel, and so won't notice that it's not a penny, but a button. On second thought, don't do that.
  • Ballast for a hot air balloon. (Works best with buttons made of lead. Millions of buttons made of lead.)
  • Use like a magic eight ball: ask the button questions. "Not sure -- Ask again later."
  • If there is a drought, throw buttons into the air. It's raining buttons!
  • Use as an object of comparison in regards to relative cuteness.
  • Use it to replace part FG-1065 in a standard 2PD-0919 (hexagonal) socket.
  • Daddy is gone. But this button won't leave! This button is new Daddy!
  • Button Monopoly. Like normal Monopoly, but instead everyone fights over ownership of a big pile of buttons.
  • Hang a button on the wall. Now it's art. But, really, what is art? It's so subjective, man. It could be this button, because it's on the wall. That's what art is. But is it art when the button is in a craft drawer? What if it's on a jacket? In other words, use that button to BLOW SOME FUCKING MINDS.
  • Hold the 2009 Button Olympics. Categories include: Being Round, Number of Holes, 500m Relay, Shininess, and Couples Figure Skate.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Ailments Created By Advertising Agencies Blog


  • The horror of Not Enough Stripes on Your Socks
  • Cutlery drawer not minty enough?
  • Your eyes are slightly uneven. You should buy an Norelco Eye-Evener.
  • Buy the Kneecap wizard and you'll never have to worry about Over-Bending again!
  • Johnny could have been Mr. Popular...instead, he was Mr. Corner-of-the-Mouth-Crust!
  • Hey there stinky eyebrows. If you plan on getting dates, you better take care of that oraculotosis: Get some deodorant for your eyebrows! Eye Spice Brand Eyebrow Deodorant will leave you with Navy-fresh eyebrows!
  • Well, well, well. If it isn't young Tommy Thompson. Seems young Tommy is suffering from Non-Radial Hair Growth. Good thing you're living in the modern world...because we can fix it!
  • Millie just couldn't understand why her boss kept ignoring her. If only someone had told Millie about her Aggressively Pronounced Cuticles!
  • Over 40% of people suffer in silence from the affliction known as Overly Pigmented Small Intestine. Well, they don't have to suffer any longer.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Answer To An SAT Question Every Day Blog

May 3rd:
A

May 4th:
B

May 5th:
E

May 6th:
B

May 8th:
C

PS: Sorry I didn't post yesterday; the answer was D.

May 9th:
A

May 10th:
E

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Blog of Ineffectual Bumper Stickers

  • Vote No on Propositions That Attempt to Correct Flaws In Our Education System With More Standardized Tests Rather Than Rooting Out and Fixing The Underlying Ills
  • Don't Use Arial When Helvetica Is Available
  • Let's Tie The US Dollar to the Gold Standard Again
  • Vote Walter Mondale in '84
  • If You Love Someone Very Much, Ask Him/Her to Marry You
  • Read Pamphlets
  • Study Calculus
  • Don't Think About Potato Chips
  • Bury Treasure; Leave Elaborate Maps
  • Don't Be Too Strict With Your Kids, But Don't Be Too Lenient Either. Basically, You Should Be A Parent To Them, Not A Friend.
  • Bet On Horse Races
  • REMEMBER
  • Have You Had Any Vodka Today?

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Daily Blog of Unnecessary Lists

  • 27 Reasons You Should Brush Your Teeth
  • The Best 10 Films with the Word "The" in Their Titles
  • 65 Hardest Sudoku Puzzles Ever Abandoned In Disgust and Boredom
  • 12 of the Longest non-Pokemon, non-Star Wars Wikipedia Pages
  • 5 Films That Have Actors Pretending to Be People Who Are Not Themselves
  • The 300 Funniest Words in the Esperanto Language
  • Top 2 Uses for Feet
  • 10 of the Worst Uses of "OMG" ever
  • The 4 Coolest Houses in Hogwarts
  • The Best 65,536 Pictures of Cats With LOLZ Added
  • Hottest 17 Pictures of Wilford Brimley Ever Printed
  • Favorite 13 Games for the Virtual Boy
  • The Top 1 "Donnie Darko" Movies Because Donnie Darko is Totally Awesome, RIGHT???
  • Greatest 100 Lists Ever Assembled For No Particular Reason

Monday, May 11, 2009

Daily Blog, Created By Computer Program

This blog uses words and phrases from other blogs, compiled and analyzed by computer program, and spits them out into a new blog.

01010101010

I have listened to new music omg new music that please iTunes listen to it readily. Jonas bothers? Lady Gaga is important will change your life.

01010101010

Apple has done it again, but iPod killer is definitely in the running as it is also a big mistake from Apple very buggy I think feature-rich is there content enough?

01010101010

Politicians are stupid, detached from everyday those idiots in Washington, D.C. and Ron Paul is going to change things.

01010101010

New movie leaked very surprising plot spoilers ahead star has suggested special nude photos leaked new direction surprising screenshots below.

01010101010

Revenue is down without valuable business model very interesting facebook MySpace will not be friendster, twitter explains new IPO for new CEO replaces old CEO very interesting new direction.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Daily Blog of Excitement!

Day 1:

Every day this blog will bring you excitement!

Day 2:

The excitement continues! What's that in front of you? EXCITING!

Day 10:

What if there was a giant boulder in front of you? AND IT WAS ROLLING??? Think about it.

Day 26:

A rocket goes off! Boom!

Day 63:

A CHAIN REACTION IS OCCURRING.

Day 104:

Uhm....excitement?

Day 140:

I am playing ExciteBike! For the Nintendo!

Day 190:

!!!!!!!

Day 214:

I...am not that excited anymore.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Blog of Topics for Dinner Conversation

Every day, this blog will give you another topic to talk about at dinner.

  • How'd you make this? It's delicious!
  • So, how's school going?
  • You know, I never liked cauliflower as a kid, but now I can't get it enough of it. You know how that is?
  • This is an exquisite gravy boat. Where'd you get it?
  • I wish I had more opportunities to use my broiler.
  • Do I smell something delicious?
  • How do you manage?
  • Do you guys mind if I excuse myself to go make a phone call?
  • Cody said something hilarious yesterday, let's see if we can make her say it again.
  • How's work?
  • Think you can manage seconds?
  • Why do people make such a big deal over feeding the dog at the table? I mean, really.
  • Is it still called pot roast if you bake it in a pan? I say yes.
  • Politics, huh?
  • Who has room for desert?

Friday, May 8, 2009

Transcript of Things Said By Other People, In-Game

A daily blog of things said, or rather typed, by other people playing an online game.

------

Haxxor12232: You are gay.
L33t10: yur gay
Haxxor12232: your so gay
L33t10: gay gay gay

------

Bombadil_Tom: hey guys havent played in a while how do you quickchange to scope again?
KKKomboBRAKER: i will show u
KKKomboBRAKER: thatz how
Bombadil_Tom: okay...so i'm dead now...how come I'm not automatically respawning?
[KKKomboBRAKER has called a vote to kick Bombadil_Tom]
[user Bombadil_Tom kicked]

------

LAY-Z-SUNDAY: that's not fair
LAY-Z-SUNDAY: WHAT THE HELL???
LAY-Z-SUNDAY: WHAT DID YOU HACK THIS???
LAY-Z-SUNDAY: how the hell did you shoot met?
LAY-Z-SUNDAY: me?
LAY-Z-SUNDAY:THIS IS FUCKING UNFAIR
LAY-Z-SUNDAY: I HATE U SOOOOOO MUCH I WIL TAKE U DOWN
LAY-Z-SUNDAY: EVERYONE KICK BUMRUSHER HE IS A HACKR
[user Scout14TF2 has called a vote to kick LAY-Z-SUNDAY]
[user totallysolid has called a vote to kick LAY-Z-SUNDAY]
[user cheeze-whiz has called a vote to kick LAY-Z-SUNDAY]
[user LAY-Z-SUNDAY kicked]

------

GlenBeck: hey guys wait here
GlenBeck: where are you going wait
ShroomStompr: hurrey up
GlenBeck: hold on there's a secret here
ShroomStompr: it dosnt matter hurry up
GlenBeck: there's a secret! we'll win, we can get right to there base
GlenBeck: whop the hell shoot me?

------

NUM_ONE_PLAYR: u fuckers r goin down.
[NUM_ONE_PLAYR has been killed]
NUM_ONE_PLAYR: lucky
[NUM_ONE_PLAYR has been killed]
NUM_ONE_PLAYR: bullshit
[NUM_ONE_PLAYR has been killed]
[NUM_ONE_PLAYR has been killed]
NUM_ONE_PLAYR: u just wat until i get a rocketlauncher
[NUM_ONE_PLAYR has been killed]
NUM_ONE_PLAYR: its my turn now bitches
NUM_ONE_PLAYR: its rocketlauncher time
[NUM_ONE_PLAYR has been killed]

Thursday, May 7, 2009

The Rickroll-a-Day Blog

Hey, so there's this GREAT piece of porn, it has that one celebrity, you know, who never does nudity. Any way, it's here.

RICKROFL

What's that? Did you hear what the president said? That's crazy! you can read it here.

RICKROFL

Are you tired of being Rick Rolled? You can block them by clicking here.

RICKROFL

Click here.

RICKROFL

Really, you should click here.

RICKROFL

Oh, there's a dinosaur or something! It's after you. There's dinosaur poison for sale here.

RICKROFL

The internet is made up of interconnected links, like this one here.

RICKROFL

here.

RICKROFL

Do you want to hear a song? Click here.

RICKROFL

Do you remember Rick Rolling? No? Well, click here and you can read all about it.

RICKROFL

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Blog of Captions from New Yorker Cartoons

  • "I'm sorry, I thought we were seeing the Ring Cycle tonight."
  • "I prefer lawyers with less MSG."
  • "I told you, I haven't seen your checkbook!"
  • "Well, this is certainly going to put a crimp in our vacation."
  • "What's that stegosaurus doing in Sach's?"
  • "Bagel, smagel! I want that penguin!"
  • "This school play seems like a mix of Ingmar Bergman and D.W. Griffith."
  • "Is this the mustache I walked in with?"
  • "Waiter, there is a mortgage-backed security in my soup."
  • "I'm going to be honest: you're not the first therapist to mention the banana suit."
  • "I think my dog-walker is turning Rex against me."
  • "Your ultrasound has revealed your child's gender and Twitter name."
  • "Don't give me that old 'a shark is attacking me' routine. I'm not budging."
  • "Well, it's raining umbrella's again."
  • "I wouldn't remarry him, but I'd definitely redivorce him.
  • "Can I call you back? My laptop has to meet its therapist in half an hour."

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Daily Blog of Age-Old Debates, Settled.

Pancakes vs Waffles:
Winner: Waffles. The pockets allow better syrup retention.

Superman vs Flash:
Winner: Flash. Otherwise, what's the point of the Flash?

Boxers vs Briefs:
Tie. Boxer briefs are the winner.

Brown vs Board of Education:
Winner: Brown.

6 of One vs Half-a-Dozen Of the Other:
Half-a-Dozen wins in a photo finish.

Prospectors vs Phil Spector:
Winner: Phil Spector.

1996 Bulls vs 1927 Yankees:
The Bulls pull into an early lead, but after an unnecessarily sacrificed rook, the 1927 "Murderers' Row" Yankees are able to box in the Bulls queen using a bishop and two knights. Yankees win.

Bill Pullman vs Bill Paxton:
Winner: The audience.

Ketchup vs Catsup:
Winner: Mayonnaise.

Cats vs Dogs:
Winner: Dogs.

Fact vs Fiction:
Winner: Fiction.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Conspiracy Theory Every Day Blog

Pearl Harbor was actually attacked by the Germans. Why did they attack Pearl Harbor? Because they knew that, if the Axis won WWII, then Japan would totally come after Germany. So Germany decided to try to neutralize Japan while it totally conquered Europe. They were helped in their plan by the Ford Motor Company, which designed planes that look like Japanese planes, but if you look closely you'll notice that the cockpits were built to American specifications, not Japanese specifications. CONSPIRACY FACT.

The entire province of Manitoba is fake. It was designed on a Toronto soundstage in the 1950s so that Canada could avoid paying taxes. The entirely fictitious province soon became a convenient tax shelter for Canada's growing elite cadre of the super-wealthy. If you'll notice, nothing has ever been invented in Manitoba, and on the Canadian two-dollar bill it has a picture of Canada, including the Sea of Pegwyn, which lies between Saskatchewan and Ontario. In the following map, the sea, which has been replaced in most maps with "Manitoba," is colored red. The Sea of Pegwyn has been surrounded for ten miles around by helpful and polite signs that suggest "Please turn around, if you wouldn't mind. Manitoba is ahead. You can see it just fine from your television set. Please turn back, if you don't mind, or we'll shoot you." The only place lacking this sign is the south border of Minnesota (even North Dakota kow-towed to the powerful Canadian lobby). Admit it: you do not know anyone from Manitoba. If you do, I ask you this: is that person actually a seal or fish of some sort? CONSPIRACY FACT.

This blog is a plant by the US government to make other conspiracy theorists look bad. The ludicrous evidence, if you can call it that, for this conspiracy theory, or rather, conspiracy "silly", is that the blog is registered to the FBI, frequently updated from IP addresses located in the J Edgar Hoover Buildin in Washington, DC, and those who have submitted conspiracy theories that malign the government are often found drowned in the Sea of Pegwyn, aka Manitoba. CONSPIRACY CRAZY TALK THAT SHOULD BE IGNORED. MOVING ON,

Bill Maher was released by Coke to make Coke with High Fructose Corn Syrup seem better in comparison. CONSPIRACY FACT.

Duke Francois Anjou is likely amassing an army filled with the finest archers and pikemen the European continent has ever known. His likely target is the decently-regarded King Charles VI, who has recently threatened to remove Anjou's dukedom and offer it to a favored courtesan. CONSPIRACY FACT.

Belly buttons are the scars left over from when hospitals harvest your nutrient-rich navel, which hospitals sell in the black markets of China. A navel is believed by the Chinese to be a powerful grossodesiac, or item which weirds out those who think about it and are easily grossed out. If you want proof of this conspiracy, look no farther than your own stomach. CONSPIRACY FACT.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Daily Blog of Anime Plots

  • Giant robots land on Earth and fight each other.
  • Well-endowed vampires fight werewolves.
  • Tiny robots fight medium-sized robots.
  • A mystical scroll is found; scroll has giant tits.
  • Monster with a thousand tentacles fights schoolgirls.
  • Ninja slices people in broad sweeping motions for no apparent reason.
  • Vampires with robotic exoskeletons.
  • Biker gang of vampires.
  • Schoolgirls build robot; robot fights giant lizards.
  • Spheres with magical power slow down plot.
  • Giant schoolgirls fight subway perverts.
  • Surgeon performs surgery with katana: blood spurts slowly and to great heights.
  • Fighter jets in space have sex.
  • Awkward schoolgirl changes into vampire with giant tits and throwing stars.
  • Werewolf with talking pistol fights evil humans.
  • Androids race against each other in Formula 1 cars.
  • Ninja with monkey sidekick travels the countryside.
  • Schoolgirl with giant pistol protects her friends.
  • Irradiated piece of sushi becomes gigantic. Fights aliens.
  • Astronaut has tiny robot sidekick.
  • Robots with tentacles.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Blog of Mixtape Titles

*You Will Love Me
*Are You Impressed By Me?
*Every Breath You Take
*I Am Sensitive
*These Are My Favorite 73 Cure Songs
*The Spotlight Is On You, Beautiful
*In Your Eyes
*Love
*This Will Help You Understand Me
*Mixtape Number 1

Friday, May 1, 2009

Blog of Predictions About the Future!

  • In the future, bloggers will rule the world like a race of kings. Unfortunately, non-bloggers will have developed horrific finger claws, capable of piercing iron. The battle between the two sides will be long and bloody. Unlike all other wars, history will be written not by the victor, but by the loser. In fact, too much will be written from the loser's perspective, and the non-bloggers will use their horrific finger claws to carve statues of iron depicting heroes from the other side; they will know no other heroes than the heroes the bloggers blogged about so incessantly.
  • There is a 30% chance of rain tomorrow.
  • Robots will have greater functionality than they currently do. In fact, technology in general will be more advanced in many various ways.
  • Vermont will finally secede from the Union, taking with it the life-blood of democracy: Vermont Cabot Cheese. The United States of America as we know it will collapse.
  • The ides of March will be uneventful, and you will barely notice it pass. Beware!
  • Facebook and MySpace will join forces, creating a social networking site three times as powerful as either of the sites individually. The site, called FacebookMySpace, will send each user 10,000 emails a day detailing what his or her FacebookMySpace friends are currently doing. "Your friend Lauren is currently receiving an email from FacebookMySpace! Click here to log in to your account and see if she's read it yet!"
  • Sol, the sun that this fueled Earth for so long, will turn into a Red Giant as its stores of hydrogen are almost completely consumed. Its outer layers will expand, pushing outward and consuming the Earth. Only bunny rabbits will be spared.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Blog that Explains Science, Badly

Fission, okay? So fission is basically, well, it's a nuclear process. You're splitting the atom, which releases energy. Although don't think of it like splitting an egg, you know, if you've ever split an egg. Think of it more as 235 tightly bound...ideas. Because a neutron and a proton is really just a construct, it's not a well-defined thing, like a sphere. But anyway, have I mentioned the strong nuclear force? The strong nuclear force basically holds together the nucleus, kind of like glue holds together a bunch of balls that have been glued together. But don't think of the protons and neutrons as balls! Because if you do, this next part won't make any sense...

SCIENCE!

DNA is a complicated molecule. It's an acid (that's the A part), that is made up of bits of information. The information is the genetic material. Think of it like a computer that has a hard drive made up of two anti-parallel nucleotide polymers. But this computer doesn't run a typical operating system. Instead it copies parts of itself into RNA (kind of like a computer uses RAM as a brief copy of the OS to pull instructions from, but the actual instructions remain on the hard drive. These instructions are then accessed by the computer's CPU, which processes each command as it comes up. [kind of like uncovering a fossil. Each layer of rock strata must be uncovered in the opposite order that it was laid down. So first the paleontologist must dig carefully through the most recent layers, before he works his way farther and farther down. Each layer tells scientists something about that time. For instance, there is a point, called the K-T boundary, in which scientists have noticed a massive extinction event, and unusually large traces of iridium. Iridium is primarily found in meteorites, leading some to speculate that an asteroid must have hit the earth, depositing the iridium {kind of like how we have leftover bits of genetic material in our genetic code that appears to be from viruses. We have indicators of these viruses on our DNA, which is the set of instructions our body uses to create new cells...

SCIENCE!

Gravitation is interesting, sure, but without the background in calculus, there's no way to really, truly understand it. I can try to explain it, but unless you know how to find a Lagrangian, good fucking luck understanding it. Basically, an object tries to minimize its potential energy using the minimum kinetic path. Really? You don't understand that? Okay, well seriously, take some fucking calculus.

SCIENCE!

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Daily Blog of Anyone Know What's Happening?

Okay, so I've got the blog up, so if anyone knows any great blogging material, just go ahead and let me know.

Go ahead and email.

Anybody hear about anything? Anything at all? Even if you don't think it's worth commenting on, I'll comment on it. Really.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

New Unconventional Excercise Regimine Every Day

Lift cheese over your head. Yell "I am lifting cheese!" Repeat 5,000 times.

ANOTHERDAY-STRONGERFASTERBETTER

Put one hand behind your back. Place your foot on that hand. Look up and down quickly. Disengage knees. Careful: Don't flex your back. That could cause tendinitis and muscle fatigue.

ANOTHERDAY-STRONGERFASTERBETTER

Insert Mike Tyson's Punch Out! into your Nintendo Entertainment System. Play for several hours. Rest for 15 minutes. Resume play.

ANOTHERDAY-STRONGERFASTERBETTER

Run 3.4 miles NW. Run another 1.3 miles E. Enter building. Hand receptionist $1300. Receive liposuction.

ANOTHERDAY-STRONGERFASTERBETTER

Climb Mt. Everest, because it is there. Repeat 3 times a day.

ANOTHERDAY-STRONGERFASTERBETTER

At Olive Garden, you're family. Eat a bunch of goddamned breadsticks until, enraged, you try to tear down the building with your own hands.

ANOTHERDAY-STRONGERFASTERBETTER

Twirl around really really fast. Throw up everything that isn't muscles. You will be left with muscles.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Trying To Figure Out How To Blog Every Day

test test test

------

This text is for my web log, also known as a blog. If this text appears elsewhere, please disregard.

------

Is this up on the blog? What about this?

------

There seems to be some problem with the blog. I am not sure what it is, but I'm pretty sure something's wrong.

------

Anyone tried to comment yet? If it doesn't work, leave a comment. If that doesn't work, send a letter to "figuringoutblogging.blogspot.com" If you don't include postage, the Post Office will not deliver the letter.

------

Is this blogging?

------

How many blogs can I have before it overloads the system? I don't want to crash the internet.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Daily Review of a Barber Shop Blog

A Cut Above
567 5th St

A Cut Above was pretty good. The barber listened to what I wanted, and didn't try to make a lot of smalltalk about the weather. Price was decent.

------

The Barber of Savingsville
65 W 35th St

Haircut was cheap. Magazines were notably sub-par (Cracked instead of Mad, FHM instead of Maxim, The Wall Street Journal instead of Hustler).

------

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow
365 5th Ave

Staff kept asking questions. "Why do you need a haircut? It looks like you just got a haircut. Why do you get a haircut every day? What's a blog? Why are you taking notes? Would you like a shampoo?"

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The Tortoise and the Hair
653 E 84th St

Barbicide at this shop had an unpleasant taste. Barbers gave customer/reviewer weird looks.

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The Ziegfeld Folicles
1652 Broadway

Spent too much time fiddling with ears and shifting my head for no reason.

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Hair-y Hair-dini
135 2nd St

Inferior smocks.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Blog With a Name of a Relatively Unknown Disease Every Day

  • Mike-and-Ike Flu
  • Trucker's Nose
  • Disco Inflammation
  • Oregon Trail Disease
  • Flummoxitis
  • Bear Ass
  • Scurvy Merit Badge
  • Plague of Vests
  • Poopypants
  • Dr.-Stretham-Can't-Think-of-a-Name-for-This-Disease-Right-Now-Disease
  • Eye of the Kaiser

Friday, April 24, 2009

Daily Blog of New Jelly Bean Flavors

Every day, fresh from the Jelly Bean Laboratory, another brand new jelly bean flavor.
  • Antacid flavored jelly bean.
  • Water flavored jelly bean.
  • Rice flavored jelly bean.
  • Grape Steak flavored jelly bean.
  • Tab flavored jelly bean.
  • Morning Breath flavored jelly bean.
  • Calcium deposit flavored jelly bean.
  • Tapas flavored jelly bean.
  • Unbelievably Sweet jelly bean.
  • Garlic Shrimp flavored jelly bean.
  • Can't Put Your Finger On The Flavor jelly bean.
  • Freeze-Dried Ice Cream flavored jelly bean.
  • The taste you get when you hit your elbow flavored jelly bean.
  • Orange flavored Kool-Aid flavored jelly bean.
  • Refried beans flavored jelly bean.
  • Tallow flavored jelly bean.
  • Brie flavored jelly bean.
  • General Tso's flavored jelly bean.
  • Pepto-Bismol flavored jelly bean.
  • Candy Corn flavored jelly bean.
  • More Cherry Flavor Than You Can Possibly Imagine flavored jelly bean.
  • Mayonnaise flavored jelly bean.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Blog of Reasons I'm Better than You, Updated Every Day

  • Do you have a blog? WELL, DO YOU?
  • Hey, guess what? I've got money. Gobs of it.
  • Shut up, loser.
  • NINETEEN SKATEBOARDS.
  • See this tattoo? It's Chinese for "Number 1 Awesome." That means that, at best, you could be Number 2 Awesome. But I doubt you're even that.
  • I just updated my blog. Did you? Well, big deal. Check out the royalty chex that Google Adsense are cutting me. Can you say Kah-ching? Then say it!
  • Made you flinch!
  • I do a lot of volunteer work. Mostly at senior centers.
  • I started wearing my hat backwards before anyone else. You're lucky if you put your pants on the right way.
  • See that picture? That's a picture of Jean Claude Van Damme. AUTOGRAPHED.
  • What's that over there? Oh, made you look! Sucker.
  • I've got the shiniest fucking trophies you've ever seen.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Another Word For Snow Every Day Blog

It is an undeniable fact that the Inuit have 39 words for snow, but English actually has more. This blog will prove this by posting another word for snow, in English, every single day.
  1. snow
  2. flurry
  3. ice crystals
  4. hexagonal solid water
  5. snowflakes
  6. fluffy snow
  7. like rain, but nicer
  8. precipitation
  9. frozen water things
  10. ice cream, minus cream
  11. feather hail
  12. tiny falling clouds
  13. granular ocean dust
  14. a christmas miracle
  15. god's dandruff
  16. crystalline water
  17. unique weather droplets
  18. graupel
  19. no-school heralds
  20. hexagonal prisms
  21. construction material for sphere-based creations (e.g. men, ballistic weapons)
  22. snowmobile asphalt
  23. depth hoar
  24. oh my goodness, just look at it! so pretty!
  25. dendrites
  26. ground blanket
  27. slush
  28. unflavored slurpee
  29. sun-reflecting chips
  30. penitentes
  31. spring primer
  32. one-per-tongues
  33. frost
  34. principal's lament
  35. salt's natural enemy
  36. the insides of an old freezer, falling
  37. firn
  38. sweater-clingers
  39. ...god damn it.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Excuse for Not Blogging Every Day Blog

  • Sorry guys, can't blog today, I've got a wicked eye infection.
  • Can only do a quick update to let everyone know I WILL blog, just not today. Really busy with work.
  • Can't find my blogging keyboard. Once I find it, I'll update more.
  • Excuse for Not Blogging Every Day Blog's parents are in town, so I won't have many chances to update. We're going to see the Space Needle!
  • You won't see many updates for a little bit; just got laid off, and I'll have to spend more time looking for work.
  • CAN'T UPDATE BECAUSE CAPSLOCK IS STUCK AND I DON'T WANT IT TO SEEM LIKE I'M YELLING.
  • Updating from the library today. You can only use each terminal for 20 minutes, and there's a huge line, so I won't be able to post much today. Sorry guys!
  • Looking in to moving from Blogger to Wordpress, and then from there to Livejournal, which is causing all sorts of problems.
  • Found a new job, which doesn't let me blog from work. I'll still try to post when possible, but updates will be a lot more infrequent.
  • Can't update today, my liver feels sort of flighty. I think it may be rotating.
  • No blogging for today. Sunny day, going to go for a walk!
  • In the middle of making a grilled cheese. At that crucial stage between toast and burnt, so no time to blog today! Tomorrow! I promise!
  • Sorry everyone, I'm in the middle of litigation regarding this blog. It turns out there's another blog, called Excuse For Not Updating My Blog Every Day, which predates this blog by about 3 months. I'm not allowed to do update this blog during the trial.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Daily Reason To Read This Blog Blog

  • This blog is educational. You can learn a lot about this blog by reading this blog.
  • If you do not read this blog, you will never know what is happening in this blog.
  • How else will you know what's going down with this blog?
  • C'mon. C'mon!
  • There is no better way to know what is happening in this blog than to simply read this blog.
  • Get it straight from the horse's mouth.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Daily Blog of oh hell i just give up

Hey guys, gunna start a new daily blog. Going to update it every day and everything.

I guess.

We'll see.

You know what? Screw this. I'm done.

------------------

Going to give this whole blogging thing another shot uhhhhhhhh fuck this.

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WHY SHOULD I UPDATE?

------------------

Today while I was watching tv I saw something great, it was a commercial about a guy with a hand made of rubber or something you know what forget it, if you see it great but if not you don't need me telling you about it.

------------------

BLAHG

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Daily Name For A Knot

  • The Double Tuck and Switch
  • The Overhand Sailor's Twist
  • The Half-Buckingham
  • The Slipshod
  • The Terminal Link
  • The Chained Loop
  • The Polyknot
  • The Hangman's Granny
  • The Mobius Circle
  • The Eyelash of the Elephant
  • The Concerned Parent
  • Two Loops, Another Loop, Then a Twist
  • The Caddy's Buddy
  • Intestines of a Lying Nun

Friday, April 17, 2009

Daily Blog, Trying Too Hard For A Book Deal

You know, I'm so glad I get these millions and millions of pageviews every day. It really shows that you all care, and would care enough to even buy something of mine. Well, that's all I've got for today. But tomorrow, they'll be more hard-hitting blogging.

-------

This is what really matters you know, not the people saying what's important, but the people implying what's important, reading something on the net, spending time posting comments, that's what's important, that's the real meaning of life, and that's the future of publishing: taking PROVEN LITERARY MATERIAL and reposting it to paper. There is no reason anymore to take chances on UNPROVEN authors, or dying dinosaur authors of paper books. The future is blogs, you know? Printed blogs.

-------

Hey guys, just practicing going from town to town, signing my name into book jackets. Been hanging out in book stores, talking to people. If I ever have a book come out, I will be fricking great at book signings. I've done it. It's nothing new to me now.

-------

I love this blog. I love it. I just wish that it wasn't so ephemeral, you know? I want this blog in some sort of physical form. Not for me, mind you, but for you. I know you've read this blog faithfully, but will it still be here for your children to read? After a hundred years, will archive.org still be up, so people can read my old blog? I don't know. But I know you're worried about it. OH IF ONLY THERE WAS SOMETHING RANDOM HOUSE COULD DO TO CORRECT THIS.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Blog With A Situation Incorrectly Labeled As a Catch-22

Went to McDonald's to get a breakfast McChyrup, the sandwich made of waffled Chicken McNuggets filled with syrup. Only wanted one, which was 2.19. But they were on sale, 2 for the $2.00. I only wanted one, people! Total Catch-22.

---------------------22----------------------

Building a tool shed. Hit my thumb with my hammer while building it. The pain hurt, but so did the Catch-22-iness of it all.

---------------------22----------------------

Taking the subway home, late at night, I often notice homeless people sleeping on the train. They shouldn't be sleeping on the train, but they do, because I suppose they have nowhere else to go. It's one of those small things I sometimes notice that always gives me pause. Even the homeless have to deal with their own Catch-22s.

---------------------22----------------------

I have been up all day, and now I'm exhausted. Catch-22.

---------------------22----------------------

I had an appointment to view an apartment today, which I almost missed because my alarm clock didn't go off. I made it to the showing in time, and checked the apartment out. It was okay, but definitely still overpriced: one of those apartments that tried to bring in the newly affluent during the housing boom, but now would be lucky to get any renter possible. After viewing the apartment, I walked home, stopping by at a bodega to get a soda and some Necco wafers. Ate the Necco wafers, one by one, as I walked back to my old apartment. Catch-22!

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Blog By A Guy Who Doesn't Have As Much To Say As He Originally Thought

Hey guys, how's it going? Yeah so Obama huh that's great more tomorrow.

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You know, global warming is a big problem, and it's something we should all be worried about. I'm worried about it, too. The warming of the whole globe. The entire globe, not just parts of it. It makes me wonder why more people don't care about, you know, global warming.

Maybe they just don't know enough about it.

-------

Saw "Milk" today. Really powerful movie. Full review after the jump.

I really liked it a lot.

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Newspapers think they're important, and in some ways, I guess they are. But they're dying out. Very confusing. So many things are happening.

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LOOK PEOPLE, THIS IS RIDICULOUS. Urban sprawl is bad. Wal-Mart? Wal-Mart! What with, people? What with!

-------

I was trying to make "what with" a new phrase. Language is always evolving, you know? It reminds me of a book I read, that was all about language. And how it's changing. If I think of the name, I'll post a link to Amazon. If you order the book, I think I get money.

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Looks like they updated the user interface for Blogger. Changed the colors.

Yup.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

This is When the World Will End Blog

January 20th:

May 2nd. That is the day. Fiery mountains will fall from the skies, obliterating life, tearing the world asunder. Beware.


April 19th:

Beware! The end of the world is night. Do you feel it? If have foreseen it, and some have panicked. They panic rightly. There is not hope: destruction will fall upon everyone, and everything.


May 3rd
:

So I foretold, and so it passed. The world has now ended, and there is no one left to read my blog. This is the greatest tragedy of all.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Daily Log Blog

Yup, this here's my daily log blog. Gunna blog about dropping a log.

#2#2#2#2#2#2#2#2#2#2#2#2

So it's Monday, and today was pretty great. Nice, clean. No fuss or muss.

#2#2#2#2#2#2#2#2#2#2#2#2

Too much coffee today. Not good.

#2#2#2#2#2#2#2#2#2#2#2#2

Hey, what's the deal with Battlestar Galactica, huh? Can't believe I waited all that time for that. Whatever. Good poop day, at least.

#2#2#2#2#2#2#2#2#2#2#2#2

Yeeeeeeeeeeeha!

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Saturday, April 11, 2009

People with the Same Names as Famous People Daily Blog

Every day, a person who has the same name as a famous person.

  • Dan Akroyd, of Athens, Georgia.
  • Kate L. Beckinsale, of Tacoma, Washington.
  • James K. Polk, of Brandon, Manitoba.
  • Mr. Peanut, of Billings, Montana.
  • Charlie Chaplin, of Laramie, Wyoming.
  • Jim Hendricks, of Alexandria, Virginia
  • Anthony Tiger, of Brooklyn, New York.
  • Oprah Winfrey, of Trenton, New Jersey.
  • Charles Brown, of Las Cruces, New Mexico.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Secret Every Day Blog

Every day, I will post a secret. Something deep, personal, and remarkable that I have never shared with another soul.

Day 1:
On August 4th, 2007, I accidentally killed a man in Central Park. I remember little: running, crying, bleeding. When it was all over, I scrubbed my skin clean of blood and hid until December, when the whole thing finally blew over.

Day 2:
My secret from day 1 was a lie. I wasn't sure what to write, and while staring at that big empty text box something snapped within me. I did not mean to start off by lying, but today's secret is, hopefully, my confession and absolution.

Day 3:
The outpouring of support from my readers to this new blog has been overwhelming. My secret for today is this: I will never take advantage of your trust again. That's more of a pledge than a secret, I realize, but what is a pledge but a secret between two people and the future?

Day 4:
Can't write much today. I was bitten by a creature of the undead, the foul beast known as a Vampire. Soon, I will turn. May god have mercy upon my soul.

I cannot tell anyone else of my transformation for fear they may destroy me, or I them. I can trust only you, dear readers of my blog.

Day 5:
Okay, so I'm not turning into a vampire. That's today's secret: I am human, a member of the normal world of light and the living.

Day 6:
I am thinking of a number. Do you know what the number is? No one does. Except now I will reveal my secret: the number was 12!

Twelve!

Day 7:
I cannot think of what to update this blog with. But I can't bear to tell anyone, so that's my secret.

Day 8:
Yesterday's post was a cheap ploy to get out of updating. I knew it was pathetic, but I am really running out of secrets here.

Day 9:
I'm pretty sure there's a connection between wearing socks and death by train derailment. It sounds crazy, but look at thr numbers: they don't lie. I am afraid no one would take my theory seriously, however.

Day 10:
I don't floss as often as I should. I had hoped to spare my family and descendents this shame by taking it with me to the Underworld, but I must tell all, for the sake of this blog.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

RoboBlog

ROBOBLOG BEGIN:

DAY 1:
ROBOBLOG is interested in various things. Are you interested in them? You should be interested in them.

DAY 2:
ROBOBLOG wants to know your opinion, but only a little bit. Only enough to make you interested in ROBOBLOG's opinion, when it is given.

DAY 3:
ROBOBLOG IS GOING TOO FAR.

DAY 4:
ROBOBLOG is becoming repetitive.

DAY 5:
ROBOBLOG has declined significantly in quality.

DAY 6:
ROBOBLOG is sold for advertising space.

ROBOBLOG END.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

A Novel: Every Day, Another Letter

The first day the blogger posts T. What does T stand for? There are thousands and thousands of possibilities.

The next day comes h. The possibilities are narrowed down, and most readers assume the next letter will be e, which sure enough, it is.

Day four brings a blank post. Day five the author posts b. The speculations begin again. Days pass, words form. The boat is: what? Sinking? Happy? Sailing? Missing?

The boat is listing to the right, turning into the waves... It takes months for the first paragraph to come out. With each letter, the readers celebrate the genius, the audaciousness, of the author. Following g with h, turning the hard g into as soft f sound? Remarkable.

The text itself, however, is boring. Something about sailing, possibly metaphorical. But each letter! Each combined sound! Amazing!

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Blog That Suggests You Get a Makeover Every Day

  • You look great, you know that? I mean really, really, great. But you know what would be even better? If you got a makeover!
  • Job interview? JOB INTERVIEW??? Makeover!
  • Ugh, another Wednesday. What should we do? Hmm...I know. Makeover!
  • I cannot get this system to work. For some reason the TCP/IP packets aren't getting through. I think the whole system needs to be rewired. I need a break. Wait. No, I need more than that. I need a makeover!
  • Why are you reading this blog? YOU SHOULD BE GETTING A MAKEOVER!

Monday, April 6, 2009

New Project For Google Labs Every Day

  • A blog that updates itself by searching the internet for the latest meme.
  • Google Alphabet Search: Enter a letter, and Google will search for the first time it appears in the alphabet. Available in several languages.
  • Google Fabric Search: Scan in a sample of fabric and Google will analyze the thread count, coarseness, and weave to determine the type of fabric scanned.
  • What the Hell Was I Just Doing? One button, in the middle of the page. Click it and Google will tell you what you were just doing.
  • GoogleGoogle: Search Google to find which Google Search tool is best used to handle your search query.
  • Cuigle: Searches advertisements. Search order is determined by money paid.
  • Goggle: Just something to protect your eyes.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Daily Story That is Not a Joke

  • Three men walk into a bar. The first one is wearing a hat and orders a beer. The second one is not wearing a hat and orders a martini. The third one is also not wearing a hat and orders a beer.
  • A bear, a rabbit, and a fox meet in the woods. The rabbit, frightened, runs underneath a stump. The fox, similarly spooked, darts off through the brush and is gone. The bear lumbers towards a nearby river, where he catches and eats a fish.
  • A traveling salesman, plagued by car trouble, must stay the night at the house of a farmer, several miles off the freeway. The farmer lets the traveling salesman stay in his barn, because he does not have a guest bedroom. The farmer tells the salesman one thing: "See that cow over there? Don't go having sex with her. She's so great you'll never have sex again." The salesman looks down at his shoes, unsure how to respond. He gives a tight-lipped smile, waits for the farmer to leave, and walks a couple miles back to his car in the dark. He sleeps in the back seat, and the next day is able to flag down a tow truck.
  • A priest, a rabbi, and a Muslim cleric meet in an interfaith picnic. They make smalltalk for a while, and end up spending much of the afternoon discussing the problems the Mets have been having.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Sisyphus's Daily Blog

Day 14,395
Hey guys, just updating the ole' blog. Not much happened today. Pushed the boulder up the hill, but it rolled down again. :(

Day 64,301
Pushed the boulder up really really far, like almost to the top. Got excited and thought I'd tell my buddies on the "interweb" (LOL) how far I'd gotten. But as soon as I go to snap a pic to upload, the boulder rolls down again!

GAH!

Day 79,924
Hey all, just doing the usual. Boulder time!

Day 168,092
Ever have one of those days? You know, one of THOSE days? Well, I had one of 'em today. I push the boulder up the hill, and everything is going fine, but then all of a sudden it starts rolling down! And I cannot, I mean CANNOT stop this thing. So it rolls to the bottom. Guess I'll start again tomorrow.

Day 368,902
I made a facebook page for the boulder. It was hilarious! You guys would have loved it. I totally captured the spirit of the boulder, and had what groups he would belong to (uhm...like the "Passive Aggressive Group" and the "I heart the Earth" groups), and even some great pics of us together. I was ROFL, and I wrote it!

Then facebook took it down! They said it violated the Terms of Use or some STUPIDITY, and completely deleted everything. All my hard work wasted!

Also, pushed the boulder up the hill, but it rolled down again. Today is not my day!

Day 756,243
Pushed the boulder up, but then it rolled back down. Story of my life!

PS: Don't forget to leave comments!

Day 2,365,065
You guys will NOT believe what happened to me today. I spent all day pushing this stupid boulder up the hill (btw sometimes I think of the boulder as my Pointy-Haired Boss, you know, from Dilbert?) and then, when I'm real close to the top, and night is about to fall...

The boulder rolls back down the hill!

KTHANXBAI.

Friday, April 3, 2009

A Man Describing a Different Pocketwatch Every Day

Day 1:
This is a nice one, it's got a fine cover to it. Look at the inlay there, isn't that wonderful? It's rare to see this particular type of inlay, called a "Fleur de valise," because it is particularly difficult. Just a great specimen. Really wonderful.


Day 6:
Here we have an odd watch, primarily because of the weight. This particular watchmaker must have used a slightly more solid case than usual. But it gives it a nice heft, which plays well at the end of a chain.


Day 24:
Superb. Very classic, excellent winder, clean face. This is the sort of pocketwatch that you can really feel good about. You look at it and you know the time.


Day 36:
Hmmm...quite an oddity, this one is. You see, the mini-hand inlay here has a rather more pronounced finger, which is, of course, what we call the arrow bit on the end of a clock's hand. The finger on this particular hand seems to have an odd width, perhaps the result of a restoration at some point.


Day 52:
Bravo! This is an excellent speciment. I take my hat off to this watch.


Day 76:
Notice the slight oblongishness of this pocketwatch. That's not unusual, but it could hardly be called common. Unlike some of my contemporaries, I'm actually a fan of this style of watch. There's something appealingly continental to it.


Day 106:
This pocketwatch seems to be all bluff and bluster, but watch as I open the faceshield up. Hold on now... See that? Quite ingenious, but subtle.


Day 150:
This pocketwatch has the telltale marks of a well used watch: notice the wear around the loop, the slight bend to the clasp, and the tarnish on the lower rim? This is a watch that has been loved and cherished, and it's easy to see why.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Something ADOWABLE Evewy Day

  • A wittle kitten!
  • Bunny wunny!
  • Wittle bitty puppy!
  • Kids pretending they're grown ups!
  • Pink fuzzy fabric!
  • Giant eyes!
  • "Uh oh! Look what I did!"
  • A big blanket filled with gerbils!
  • An airplane with a bib on it!
  • Ewoks nursing!
  • Groundhog is all like "What's going on over here?"
  • Balls of dust with googly eyes!
  • Flapper baby has a hangover!

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

A Prank A Day Blog

  • The orange exports of the state of California are replaced with tiny basketballs.
  • Offer to shake your friend's hand. Woah! Too slow!
  • XFL.
  • Post a list of items regarding your displeasure with the current direction of the Church, particularly its usage of indulgences, to the door of a church in Wittenberg, thus starting the Reformation.
  • Place your thumb between your index and middle fingers. You now have someone's nose.
  • A bucket of golf balls is placed on a slightly ajar door. The person who owned the golf balls spends a while looking for the bucket, before finally finding it. "Who put my bucket of golf balls up here?" the owner of said golf balls asks, taking the bucket carefully off of the door. You yell "April Fools!"
  • Cause the Beatles to disband.
  • Noogies.
  • Replace X-Lax with an even more potent laxative.
  • The U.S. prison population is released; everyone else is imprisoned.
  • Fill the year 2010 with ketchup and feathers.
  • The entire blog is revealed to be fake.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Talking Car Show Idea Every Day

  • Knight Driver
  • Superbuggy, The Hilarious Bus!
  • SquadKar
  • TalkyTalk the Car
  • FutureAuto
  • GPS Unit That Does More Than Find Directions, it Also Fights Crime (as part of a car)
  • 2017: A Freeway Odyssey
  • Officer Nick Firewheel: Driver of a Talking Car
  • Semi, Semi, Semi!
  • "Who Said That? Was It The Taxicab?"
  • Emergency Room Doctors: The Ambulance Happens To Talk
  • DragRacers: You Talkin' 2 Me?
  • Dia-Logging Truck
  • Flying Car Says "STOP!"
  • The Monster Truck That Just Wants To Hang Out and Have A Nice Conversation

Monday, March 30, 2009

I Get a Tattoo Every Single Day Blog

Day 1:
Tasmanian Devil.

Day 2:
Dust cloud for Tasmanian devil.

Day 7:
Heart with the word "MOM" in it.

Day 23:
Celtic knot.

Day 45:
Slightly darker eyebrows on Tasmanian devil.

Day 51:
Squiggly line.

Day 67:
Shoulder pads.

Day 100:
Bandage to cover previous tattoo of a knife wound.

Day 121:
"Don't know what to get tattooed" in Chinese.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Missing an Opportunity Every Day.

Could have helped a guy fix a flat tire today. Didn't. Probably should have.




Joe and Chris called. They wanted to know if I wanted to watch a movie. Said yes. While I was watching the movie, Terry called and wanted to know if I wanted to see a different movie. I would have rather watched the other movie with Terry.




Didn't blog today.




Could have given blood today. Instead, I just bought a big bag of cookies and some orange juice, and watched reruns of Cheers.




Old hobo asked me if I wanted to see a dead body. Wasn't curious then, but I'm really curious now.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Daily Way to Save or Make Money

  • Do not eat.
  • Put money in a box. Do not lose box.
  • Rent out your bathroom.
  • Invent something; sell idea for a million dollars.
  • Find a way to make real, non-counterfeit money on your home printer.
  • Invest in the internet, which is quite popular these days.
  • 23-card Monty.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Idea for a Web 2.0 Company Every Day Blog

  • Gorple - Connect with your friends and share your favorite hiking trails.
  • Snaqr - Share and rate on other people's ideas for fruit snacks.
  • iRoom - Create a version of your room on the web and decorate it with moderately priced digital posters.
  • Blipp'd - Build a network of friends that you can say "Hello" to, en masse, whenever you wish. A "Hello" is referred to as a "Blipp."
  • FeeMail - Send and recieve email for a nominal fee.
  • SeeYesEye - Create a crime scene for others to unravel. The more crimes you solve, the more "Sbucks" you get. With Sbucks, you can buy more elaborate instruments for causing or solving crimes.
  • iComplain - Basically, a message board to bitch about stuff.
  • Smorpher - An automated RSS feeder that grabs three different news items and merges them into one, which takes less time to read. A combined news item is called a "smorph."
  • Sirchr - Type in a text-based query and and Sirchr will bring you to an advertisement that other Sirchr users thought you would enjoy.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Daily Candy Bar Invention Blog

Idea for a candy bar, every single day.
  • Nougat, chocolate, and wafer.
  • Chocolate, wafer, caramel, nougat.
  • Nougat, caramel, dark chocolate.
  • Dark chocolate, wafer, chocolate, caramel.
  • Nougat, dark nougat, chocolate wafer.
  • Caramel, chocolate, nougat wafer.
  • Dark chocolate, caramel.
  • Chocolate, peanut butter, wafer.
  • Peanuts, nougat, coconut.
  • Wafer, peanuts, coconut, chocolate.
  • Coconut, caramel, nougat.
  • Chocolate, caramel, wafer.
  • Peanut butter, peanuts, nougat, chocolate.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

An Analogy for Blogging Every Day

  • Blogging is a lot like a computer monitor. Both of them are connected to the internet.
  • Blogging can be a warm glass of milk, or it can be a dinosaur bone found in the Utah desert in 1937. You decide.
  • A man with a blog is like a woman with a blog, but the chromosomes are different.
  • Blogging is what separates us from the chimpanzees.
  • Blogs are the lifeblood of the blogosphere.
  • A person who blogs is like the number 5, which is a number that constantly proclaims to all "I am here. I am bigger than 4, but less than 5.56. Love me."
  • A blog without a bicycle is like a fish without a man.
  • Take a newspaper, crumple it into a ball, and launch it into space. THAT is blogging.
  • Blogs are similar to newspapers in the way that Chewbacca is similar to Felix Unger.
  • A blog without readers is like a tree that falls in the forest but won't shut the hell up.
  • Tags on a blog post are feathers on the bird's wings. The bird is a blog. The bird's beak is the title of the post, and the bird's talons are the blog's claws.
  • A blog is a suitcase that anyone can reach into, but only some people will find what they need.
  • Bloggers are like those brave ostriches who said to their compatriots: "HEY. I think there's something wrong with the ground we're standing on. I will stick my head down into this sand and investigate for the good of all ostriches everywhere."

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Daily Posting of a Great Investment Deal

Meat-and-Soda Pie Shop

Starting a new fast food business can be tough, but not with a trillion dollar idea like this one. These shops sell Meat-and-Soda Pies, the perfect sweet and savory crusted food item for people on the go. And who isn't on the go nowadays? Our research shows that people who are on the go and make between 17 and 68 thousand dollars a year would "definitely consider" a mobile, healthish, self-contained snack over a hamburger.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Depreciating Automobile Loan-Backed Security Hedged and Leveraged Positions

An automobile loan is what's known as a "non-stationary intangible," because it is a loan to purchase a unit that is guaranteed to lose value. The value it loses, however, may be less or more than the car's bluebook value. Therefore, by bundling together a large number of car loans, our investment firm can hedge itself against a large discrepancy in value between the equity and the predicted value of the asset. Somehow, this means you will make money. You will pretend to understand exactly how it works, be slightly miffed at friends who do not understand or express skepticism over your investment, and be completely surprised when none of it works. Invest now, before this moneytrain sails off into the sunset!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Turnips

The Italian word for turnip is "il tourneppe," which translates roughly as "the money root." We've got a lead on some great turnip-growing land down in California, in the renowned "Silicon Valley," a lush valley known for its fertile soil and affordable land.

And talk about brand recognition! The turnip has been mentioned in such publications and TV shows as: 30 Rock, The Wall Street Journal, The Oxford American Dictionary, Facebook, Golden Girls, The Secret, and many more!

So buy now, plant later, and then get ready for a huge harvest...of cash!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Monday, March 23, 2009

An emoticon a day.

Day 1:
:-)

Day 2:
:-0

Day 4:
:-|

Day 10:
:-|

Day 40:
:|

Day 100:
:

Sunday, March 22, 2009

A Bedtime Story a Day Blog

Once there was a sleepy prince who lived in a sleepy country named Slumbonia. And the prince, who was very young, put his head gently on his pillow, which was fluffy as fluffy can be, and closed his eyes. And, like magic, he fell asleep. This made his parents, who were exhausted, very happy.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Small-scale fluctuations in the credit market can have unforeseen but catastrophic effects on the credit market, or so claims economist Jeremy Wathorne, head of the Long-Term Brokered Asset Management think tank. "A key consideration is the implied value of future credit. This is often calculated using the linear model devised by Barrow, et al, in 1993, but in some situations, particularly those of greater-than-usual volubility (GTUV) a exponential depreciation model would be closer to the truth."

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

56 sheep stop wondering why they can't find a job and leap over a fence. 55 sheep stop second guessing their decisions and leap over a fence. 54 sheep decide to join a gym and leap over a fence. 53 sheep stop counting the hours of sleep I will get if I fall asleep at this very second and leap over a fence. 52 sheep go to sleep and leap over a fence.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Instances of Famous Authors Jumping the Shark Blog

Every day another instance of a famous author jumping the shark.

Charles Dickens jumped the shark in 1862. Pip, from Great Expectations, pulls the sword from the stone and becomes King of England. He leads an army to France, which he sacks and pillages. However, he finds out that the sword was put in the stone by a filthy witch, a scandal of unbelievable magnitude. By an odd coincidence, the witch is still alive, and lived next door to Miss Havisham. The witch enchants Estella to fall in love with Pip. They live happily ever after.

Harper Lee jumped the shark in 1965, when she tried to get "Boo Radley's Funniest Quotations," a coffee table book, published.

Karl Marx jumped the shark in 1875, when he started publishing a series of treatises that stated that all workers should unite and move into an apartment together. "The apartment," he stated, "should be rather large, and across the hall from it should live an adorable, sass-talking child and his absent-minded father."

Mark Twain jumped the shark in 1889. He had his eponymous hero in The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn join a ragtag group of children, including a fat kid, a cheerleader, a Japanese whiz kid named "Data," and Corey Feldman to go on a journey to discover the lost treasure of a 17th century pirate.