Blog of Cell Phone Features

• One-way calling
• Abrupt voice modulation
• Automatic drunk txt
• Blippy lights
• So thin it causes your hands to bleed when you answer incoming calls
• Comes in cool colors: sepia, earth tone, brown.
• 7 screens
  
• Annoying ring tone
• Covered in velcro
• Way too big for your pocket
  
• Plays most boring video games
  
• Smells like old ham
• Must be purchases with 10-year contract