- Knight Driver
- Superbuggy, The Hilarious Bus!
- TalkyTalk the Car
- GPS Unit That Does More Than Find Directions, it Also Fights Crime (as part of a car)
- 2017: A Freeway Odyssey
- Officer Nick Firewheel: Driver of a Talking Car
- Semi, Semi, Semi!
- "Who Said That? Was It The Taxicab?"
- Emergency Room Doctors: The Ambulance Happens To Talk
- DragRacers: You Talkin' 2 Me?
- Dia-Logging Truck
- Flying Car Says "STOP!"
- The Monster Truck That Just Wants To Hang Out and Have A Nice Conversation
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
Dust cloud for Tasmanian devil.
Heart with the word "MOM" in it.
Slightly darker eyebrows on Tasmanian devil.
Bandage to cover previous tattoo of a knife wound.
"Don't know what to get tattooed" in Chinese.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Joe and Chris called. They wanted to know if I wanted to watch a movie. Said yes. While I was watching the movie, Terry called and wanted to know if I wanted to see a different movie. I would have rather watched the other movie with Terry.
Didn't blog today.
Could have given blood today. Instead, I just bought a big bag of cookies and some orange juice, and watched reruns of Cheers.
Old hobo asked me if I wanted to see a dead body. Wasn't curious then, but I'm really curious now.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
- Do not eat.
- Put money in a box. Do not lose box.
- Rent out your bathroom.
- Invent something; sell idea for a million dollars.
- Find a way to make real, non-counterfeit money on your home printer.
- Invest in the internet, which is quite popular these days.
- 23-card Monty.
Friday, March 27, 2009
- Gorple - Connect with your friends and share your favorite hiking trails.
- Snaqr - Share and rate on other people's ideas for fruit snacks.
- iRoom - Create a version of your room on the web and decorate it with moderately priced digital posters.
- Blipp'd - Build a network of friends that you can say "Hello" to, en masse, whenever you wish. A "Hello" is referred to as a "Blipp."
- FeeMail - Send and recieve email for a nominal fee.
- SeeYesEye - Create a crime scene for others to unravel. The more crimes you solve, the more "Sbucks" you get. With Sbucks, you can buy more elaborate instruments for causing or solving crimes.
- iComplain - Basically, a message board to bitch about stuff.
- Smorpher - An automated RSS feeder that grabs three different news items and merges them into one, which takes less time to read. A combined news item is called a "smorph."
- Sirchr - Type in a text-based query and and Sirchr will bring you to an advertisement that other Sirchr users thought you would enjoy.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
- Nougat, chocolate, and wafer.
- Chocolate, wafer, caramel, nougat.
- Nougat, caramel, dark chocolate.
- Dark chocolate, wafer, chocolate, caramel.
- Nougat, dark nougat, chocolate wafer.
- Caramel, chocolate, nougat wafer.
- Dark chocolate, caramel.
- Chocolate, peanut butter, wafer.
- Peanuts, nougat, coconut.
- Wafer, peanuts, coconut, chocolate.
- Coconut, caramel, nougat.
- Chocolate, caramel, wafer.
- Peanut butter, peanuts, nougat, chocolate.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
- Blogging is a lot like a computer monitor. Both of them are connected to the internet.
- Blogging can be a warm glass of milk, or it can be a dinosaur bone found in the Utah desert in 1937. You decide.
- A man with a blog is like a woman with a blog, but the chromosomes are different.
- Blogging is what separates us from the chimpanzees.
- Blogs are the lifeblood of the blogosphere.
- A person who blogs is like the number 5, which is a number that constantly proclaims to all "I am here. I am bigger than 4, but less than 5.56. Love me."
- A blog without a bicycle is like a fish without a man.
- Take a newspaper, crumple it into a ball, and launch it into space. THAT is blogging.
- Blogs are similar to newspapers in the way that Chewbacca is similar to Felix Unger.
- A blog without readers is like a tree that falls in the forest but won't shut the hell up.
- Tags on a blog post are feathers on the bird's wings. The bird is a blog. The bird's beak is the title of the post, and the bird's talons are the blog's claws.
- A blog is a suitcase that anyone can reach into, but only some people will find what they need.
- Bloggers are like those brave ostriches who said to their compatriots: "HEY. I think there's something wrong with the ground we're standing on. I will stick my head down into this sand and investigate for the good of all ostriches everywhere."
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Starting a new fast food business can be tough, but not with a trillion dollar idea like this one. These shops sell Meat-and-Soda Pies, the perfect sweet and savory crusted food item for people on the go. And who isn't on the go nowadays? Our research shows that people who are on the go and make between 17 and 68 thousand dollars a year would "definitely consider" a mobile, healthish, self-contained snack over a hamburger.
Depreciating Automobile Loan-Backed Security Hedged and Leveraged Positions
An automobile loan is what's known as a "non-stationary intangible," because it is a loan to purchase a unit that is guaranteed to lose value. The value it loses, however, may be less or more than the car's bluebook value. Therefore, by bundling together a large number of car loans, our investment firm can hedge itself against a large discrepancy in value between the equity and the predicted value of the asset. Somehow, this means you will make money. You will pretend to understand exactly how it works, be slightly miffed at friends who do not understand or express skepticism over your investment, and be completely surprised when none of it works. Invest now, before this moneytrain sails off into the sunset!
The Italian word for turnip is "il tourneppe," which translates roughly as "the money root." We've got a lead on some great turnip-growing land down in California, in the renowned "Silicon Valley," a lush valley known for its fertile soil and affordable land.
And talk about brand recognition! The turnip has been mentioned in such publications and TV shows as: 30 Rock, The Wall Street Journal, The Oxford American Dictionary, Facebook, Golden Girls, The Secret, and many more!
So buy now, plant later, and then get ready for a huge harvest...of cash!
Monday, March 23, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Small-scale fluctuations in the credit market can have unforeseen but catastrophic effects on the credit market, or so claims economist Jeremy Wathorne, head of the Long-Term Brokered Asset Management think tank. "A key consideration is the implied value of future credit. This is often calculated using the linear model devised by Barrow, et al, in 1993, but in some situations, particularly those of greater-than-usual volubility (GTUV) a exponential depreciation model would be closer to the truth."
56 sheep stop wondering why they can't find a job and leap over a fence. 55 sheep stop second guessing their decisions and leap over a fence. 54 sheep decide to join a gym and leap over a fence. 53 sheep stop counting the hours of sleep I will get if I fall asleep at this very second and leap over a fence. 52 sheep go to sleep and leap over a fence.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Charles Dickens jumped the shark in 1862. Pip, from Great Expectations, pulls the sword from the stone and becomes King of England. He leads an army to France, which he sacks and pillages. However, he finds out that the sword was put in the stone by a filthy witch, a scandal of unbelievable magnitude. By an odd coincidence, the witch is still alive, and lived next door to Miss Havisham. The witch enchants Estella to fall in love with Pip. They live happily ever after.
Harper Lee jumped the shark in 1965, when she tried to get "Boo Radley's Funniest Quotations," a coffee table book, published.
Karl Marx jumped the shark in 1875, when he started publishing a series of treatises that stated that all workers should unite and move into an apartment together. "The apartment," he stated, "should be rather large, and across the hall from it should live an adorable, sass-talking child and his absent-minded father."
Mark Twain jumped the shark in 1889. He had his eponymous hero in The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn join a ragtag group of children, including a fat kid, a cheerleader, a Japanese whiz kid named "Data," and Corey Feldman to go on a journey to discover the lost treasure of a 17th century pirate.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Then, one day, he too was replaced by a machine.
A woman drives home alone along a long, dark, and winding road. Behind her another car pulls up. As they drive on, the only two cars in a road stretched through the night, the car's headlights suddenly go bright, then suddenly go back to normal. At first the woman ignores it, flipping down her rear view mirror to ignore the brights behind her. But it keeps happening. The headlights of the car behind her flash to bright more and more frequently, until the woman, scared, pulls off on a side road to let the car behind her pass.
The other car passes. The woman, feeling foolish at getting so worked up, heads home.
The next day the woman who drove the other car takes her car to a mechanic, complaining that the brights flash on and off erratically. The mechanic diagnoses and fixes the problem.
Two astronauts, a man and a woman, crash land on a planet remarkably similar to Earth. They survive there for several years, living off of the abundant edible flora and fauna. The two realize that they may live the rest of their lives on this unnamed planet, and decide to try to have children to populate the planet.
Then another spaceship arrives and rescues them.
A scientist builds a time travel device. He enters it, ready to travel back to 1921 to kill Adolf Hitler.
The time machine does not work, because the idea of time travel is just a mad fancy devised by bored fiction writers.
A poor man needs to buy a present for his wife for Christmas. She is in a similar dilemma in regards to her husband. He has a cherished fly rod; she has a cherished music box. He pawns the fly rod to buy her a handbag she had commented on during a recent walk. She sells the music box on eBay to buy him Ken Burns' Civil War Documentary on DVD.
Both man and wife enjoy their respective presents, but feel slightly guilty.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
5 men enter a bank. One of them has a a gun, 4 of them have bananas. The one with a gun then steals the bananas from the other 4, and leaves.
Put up posters around the city that read "Your TV is currently on." While everyone in the city is at home, you have complete control. Wander the streets, break into any store you want, try on fancy clothes, eat meals at chic (but abandoned) restaurants, take anything you want.
Train a dog to sell an herbal tonic for relieving lower back pain. Send the dog throughout the 1870s American Midwest.
Upload a high-definition copy of "The Wedding Planner" to the internet. As finances of the creative industry dry up, create your own series of movies about a down-on-his-luck ace fighter pilot who needs to make one last, great flight before he retires.
Teach baboons how to swim.
Create papier-mâché croutons. Use a dried sponge to daub on a light color to imply the crouton's texture. Do not eat. Place papier-mâché croutons in left sleeve. Walk into restaurant with salad bar. Hide real croutons in right sleeve, replacing them with the false croutons from the left sleeve. On the way out, take the cash register.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Although most people use the typical 1040 form, form 1041 is actually 1 easier than the old 1040, and is in general 1 better.
The IRS has a little known loophole in many of its tax documents. Most of the blank spaces in a typical IRS tax document have instructions on how to calculate the number to insert into the relevant space. However, the paper will actually accept any number written into any blank space on the document. The fact that fact-checking is not built in to the forms means that anything that can be written there is fine.
Exemption for Exceptionally Gory Death
Should you undergo an exceptionally gory death you may be able to count up to 15% of your income as tax-exempt. An exceptionally gory death is defined by the IRS as any death in which blood is spread over more than a 5 foot radius, it is featured on the "lighter side" portion of the local news, or more than 2 onlookers utter the words "cool."
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
The Day of St. Barnabius goes back to 213 AD, when Roman's attacked and killed a young man, Barnabius, as he preached to several Arcutians (near present-day Karvida). The Romans dragged Barnabius for several miles before finally stabbing him many times in the eyes and rectum, alternating between the two. Just before he died, however, Barnabius's body exploded in a holy ball of fiery vengeance, killing the Roman soldiers. Today the Day of St. Barnabius is celebrated by baking sugar cookies.April 7th: The Day of St. Bleeding Cake
In 1412, in Leipzig, Germany, a cake made of fruits and nuts was baked by a peasant woman whose name has not been preserved. Before the cake could be cut into, the sides of the cake started to bleed. News of this confectionery stigmata quickly spread far and wide. At this point the stories diverge. Some claim that the cake was taken by some crusaders on their way to Jerusalem (but never made it farther than Turkey), and there it was eaten while the crusaders were under siege. Other stories claim the cake was sealed away in a chest to be presented to the King Rupert, but after 3 days the chest was opened and the cake had vanished. For the next year, several people reported cake-based miracles. The Bleeding Cake was canonized in 1836. Today the Day of St. Bleeding is celebrated by giving pennies to the homeless.
August 25th: The Day of St. Charles the Rectifier
The Day of St. Charles celebrates an English noble, Charles the Archduke of Hastings (b. 1307; d. 1369), who bravely rounded up and tortured several hundred heretics living within his domain. His methods of torture were spoken of far and wide for their extreme cleverness, severity, and slowness to bring on death. He was canonized in 1941. He is commonly known as "the Rectifier" to show how he rectified the rampant problem of heresy on his lands, and to separate him from St. Charles the Bloodthirsty. August 25th is used to celebrate St. Charles the Rectifier. Celebrations typically involve eating a breakfast of ham with a smiley face drawn upon it in hollandaise sauce.
October 19th: The Day of St. Luke of the Mumbled Defiance
Little is known of Luke of theMumbled Defiance's early life. In 912 AD, he tried to spread Christianity to the Magyars (in present day Hungary). A local chiefton of a tribe of the Karpad, distrusted Luke and ordered him to be crushed in a manner common at the time: a stone would be placed upon the victim's head, and the executionar/confessor would ask the victim to give up. After several stones were placed atop Luke's head, a slight mumble arose from beneath the stones. It was assumed by some of the people present that Luke was professing his defiance to the chiefton and his eternal acceptance of Christ. More stones were placed upon Luke's head, and he was crushed. The Day of St. Luke of the Mumbled Defiance is celebrated today by wearing a piece of streamer from your back pocket.
Monday, March 16, 2009
The first day's number, 5, arouses no suspicion. Neither do the next several numbers (6, 2, and 6, respectively). But as the days pass and the numbers accumulate, a graduate student in mathematics and makes a terrifying discovery while reading the blog.
The numbers are not just random, but utterly and completely random. And as time passes, they are becoming more so. On May 17th the number 1 is posted, which is so absolutely detached from the numbers before that one person actually has a heart attack (although as it turns out, the two events were unrelated).
Panic starts to set in as the randomness of the numbers reaches dangerous levels. But then, for no apparent reason, the numbers settle back into a typical random pattern. 6 is posted, and comfort is taken in that the next number could be just about anything (but not just anything).
The next day's digit is 8, but it just as easily could have been 9, or 0, or 2, or something else.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
- You can't make peanut butter without replacing butter.
- Even tornadoes are the result of differing pressure systems.
- You can't spell "SpellCheck" without "check."
- Feed your cat daily.
- A guitar is just a violin without a bow.
- To run a marathon, you have to travel 26.22 miles.
- Canning your own vegetables saves you money AND vegetables, but it uses up your cans.
- Everybody is blind if they shut their eyes.
- When it comes to plagues, more isn't necessarily better.
- If the egg smells like sulphur, it's gone rotter.
- Lifted weights must be put down, which is where the strength of the Earth comes in.
- Spend a nickel less every day, and you'll be slightly increasing your pay.
- If somebody smells, but you're not sure who it is, just keep your mouth shut.
- The past has already passed you, don't let the future pass you.
- Leave all tales untattled.
- Road rage and roid rage have a lot in common.
- Corn isn't the only vegetable that can be popped.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Has it really been a fortnight since I started this blog? It must be, because Ray Romano just sent me a text about how once you've made it past the "unlucky 13th post, that blog is official." I tell you, that guy is something else.
At the post office. I hate this place! But I'm blogging on the go, using my new iPod touch, which was given to me by no other than Terry Bradshaw when he accidentally broke my previous phone. I tell you, that guy is a class act through and through.
Sorry I haven't posted for a while. Didn't even realize it had been a couple days since I updated until Robert Plant mentioned it on his blog, which I don't even read that often any more.
I know Ben Bernanke. We are practically blood brothers.
Another Christmas swap. Never sure what to get anyone. In this year's secret Santa I pulled Phil Bosque's name. Not sure what to get him. Don't really know that much about him. I know he works in the advertising department. Maybe I could get my friend Sandra Bullock to give him some movie memorabilia from Miss Congeniality 2.
This year I resolve to never get in another fight with Jimmy Fallon again, even if I think he is totally wrong.
In Hollywood, visiting some friends of mine. Walking down the sidewalk in front of Mann's Chinese Theater. At the star for my dear departed friend, Harrison Ford. So sad that after so much he's buried here now, with only his name and his handprints to show for everything he's done.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
- You are a sass-talking hippo who must find the magical stairs to build the Great Staircase.
- You are a vampire; zombies attack.
- Anthropomorphic bicycles race through a candy-covered world.
- You must deliver Chinese food very quickly.
- An evil robot escaped, so find him.
- When the light goes off, shake the controller to make sounds. Too many sounds turns the light back on.
- Uncover clues to solve the mystery of the missing tooth.
- Aggressive aliens attack peaceful aliens. Conquer both species.
- You are the savior of your planet. Wander dungeons, searching for currency.
- Flying semitrucks race against each other.
- You are the sole survivor of a mysterious virus; zombies attack.
- Everything that is purple must be turned red.
- Small creatures must be mated to make stronger, larger creatures.
- You find a pair of shoes that allow you to walk through time.
- Break larger shapes into smaller shapes in the fewest number of slices.
- You are an e. coli bactirium. Spread disease.
- The King has a mission for you. Kill the King.
- You are Fluffy Bunny, and you make the sun come up; zombies attack.
- You are a brachiasaurus. Survive the meteor strike.
- Press a button the requisite number of times, but no more.
- People start to grow uncontrollably. Hit them with the shrinking stick.
- You are a wizard. Fight orcs with your mystical sword.
- Pine derby racecars in the future.
- Watch out for Mr. Splumpo!
- In 2093, corporations control the world. Find those the Corporations have determined are criminals and arrest them.
- Cover Bigfoot with paint to relieve his itching.
- Find and correct problems in simplified circuit diagrams.
- Capture the wolf with your lasso.
- You are a caveman. Fight dinosaurs using your Sherman tank.
- Plan and run a 1900s-era garment factory.
- You are a zombie; elves attack.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Please people, can't we just stop this? Why must the madness continue? C'mon!
People! Aren't you listening? STOP THE MADNESS. It's crazy. STOP IT NOW. Don't think you can't do anything, you can. You can stop the madness. It starts with you.
STOP IT! IT = THE MADNESS.
My fingers hurt from typing in caps so much, but that's what I have to do to get this to stop. How long has the madness continued? Too long, if you ask me. It must stop.
If Diana Ross saw the madness, do you know what she would say? She would tell it to stop. But not in the name of love. In the name of all that is good, she would say "STOP THE MADNESS."
I know what you think. You think you can't stop it. But you CAN! You have to try.
Stop. The. Madness.
STOPPITY HOPPITY BOPPITY IT'S MADNESS. STOP IT.
C'mon, please? Please?
I saw a baby today, and that baby made me think, what kind of world is that baby going to grow up into? A mad world? NO. We can stop the madness.
Wow...two hundred posts. Hard to believe I've been doing this for almost 2/3 of a year. 40/73 of a year. And yet the madness continues. We need to stop it, people, now more than EVER.
The Daily Plea For the Madness to Stop Blog must Stop. I'm sorry. I have failed.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
- Chocolate Chip!
- Apple cinnamon!
- Apple cinnamon vanilla!
- Syrup covered!
- Syrup filled!
- Short-wave radio!
- Ham & cheese!
- Colgate Cool Mint!
- Crystal Pepsi!
- Lean Pocket!
- Slightly Gritty!
- Fuse cap!
- Pancake-sandwich! (3 stacked pancakes)
- International House of Pancakes Pancake!
- "You can't tell me what to do"!
- The Grand Slam Pancake-Sizzle!
- The Penultimate Pancake!
Monday, March 9, 2009
Most of the updates are done via internet-equipped phone, although some updates are from specially created devices, such as the Mr. Coffee and Blogger, the Light Switch/Blog Updater or the I Can't Believe It's Not Butter Nor Is It a Typical Interface for Updating Blogs.
As the updates continue, they arrive from more and more mundane locations, including the toilet ("Hey you'll never believe what I'm doing right now!"), the fridge ("Hey there blog readers, just looking for something to eat. Do you know what happened to that leftover chicken?") and finally the couch, over and over again ("Just watching Kathy Lee and Hoda. Wonder if they read my blog?")
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Saturday, March 7, 2009
The blog starts as a rumination on the economy and what it means to be part of something that is defined by what it can take from you. The first item is a dark blue iPod, which he points out he does not need, especially since he already has a blue iPod. Subsequent items are generally smaller: a pack of gum, a new hat, a pencil case with a picture of Henry Winkler as the Fonz on it.
About 2 weeks into it the blogger stops describing why he doesn't need the item purchased that day, and instead describes the surprising reasons he has realized for why he does need that particular item. The item that forces this turnaround is a hardboiled egg slicer. The forceful, even cut of the egg, the resulting beautiful fan of white and yellow ovals, and the simple form of the device convince the blogger that this purchase was not unnecessary, but instead rekindled his forgotten love of hardboiled eggs.
The posts are now glowing reviews of objects the blogger has purchased. Links to Amazon.com are provided. Purchases of multiple units are encouraged. The link to adbusters.org on the right side of the blog is removed and replaced with relevant adSense keywords.
While reviewing a purchase of Shrek 3 Monopoly: The Video Game ("Although Shrek 3 Monopoly certainly contains more bugs than Shrek 3 Monopoly: The Board Game, it is perfect for those times when you can't find any friends to play with...or if all of your friends keep fighting over which one of them gets to be Donkey! S3M:TVG is definitely a huge improvement over Shrek The Movie Monopoly:The Video Game for PlayStation and Shrek Risk: The Facebook Application, but it fails to hit the high water mark of Shrek 2 Talking Battleship. I say buy only 2 copies from Amazon.com using this link...") the blogger's furniture is repossesed. Money dwindles as his blog gets fewer and fewer hits from people who are not corporate shills commenting positively on their own products.
The Unnecessary Purchase A Day blog is finally sold to GoDaddy.com, which replaces the blog with a redirect to a page that sells web hosting at a mere 25 cents per pageview.
Friday, March 6, 2009
The first couple weeks are largely devoted to VH1-style stories of 80s hairbands and one-hit-wonders from the 1960s. Later, the blog starts devoting more time to more idiosyncratic tales, such as that of Jeremiah Brakbuck, an 1870s medicine show performer ambushed and killed during a particularly effective bout of hawking patent tonics.
The blog itself becomes more popular, and is even mentioned in People Magazine as #6 in its "Top 25 Reasons We Still Use The Internet" feature (reason #3: email; reason #1: memes). The fame brings blog commenters, which brings the certain unsavory elements we all know haunt the internet. Slinking their way past the blog's clever CAPTCHAs, they soon pull the blogger into a spiral of fame that many people believe flows clockwise in the Northern hemisphere and counterclockwise in the Southern hemisphere, but the coriolis effect just isn't that strong. Fame, however, is indeed that strong.
The blogger finds himself one night in a web 2.1 party filled with women of loose morals, none of whom are his wife. He stares into the coke covered mirror, past the delicately arranged line of Argentina snowcap, and wonders who that tired looking man with the frosted tips is. The mirror drops onto the floor. The blogger walks to the door.
It is too late. A rival blogger, founder of a blog that posts detailed measurements of his own rate of hairloss every day, has appeared unbidden to the party. There are accusations. Unclear, but forceful, angry. A scuffle. A gun appears, and true to Chekhov's dictum, it is fired. The blogger dies. Perez Hilton, crying, takes the blogger's body in his arms and says something snarky but appropriate, and then tries to "out" a C-list celebrity.
No one attends the blogger's funeral. We are all are too busy using a new social networking site in which each person can only befriend someone if they pay $1.00, half of which goes to the new friend. It is basically a pyramid scheme with the ability to post pictures, but it is awesome, for now.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
- "Look at me, my head has been replaced with a waffle!" (Photoshopped photographs)
- Videos of people walking into NYC subway turnstiles without swiping their metrocards.
- Calling computers "Persopple Computoshes."
- Passages from Sun Tzu's Art of War written in the Impact font and overlaid on stills from the 1983 Matthew Broderick movie WarGames.
- Everyday objects recreated as if they were fashioned in an alternate universe at the technological level of approximately 1,000 AD. i.e. iPods made out of tile mosaic, gears, and several trained birds; rickshaw Humvees; and a Roomba made of a cat, bedecked in porcelain, with brushes applied to his feet.
- Referring to Google as Altavista. "Do you know what the current price of stamps is?" "No, let me Altavista it." "Where's the restaurant?" "Not sure, let me check AltavistaMaps."
- Brainwashing a person to believe he is, in fact, a down-on-his-luck tire salesman named "Harold Dither." Mr. Dither is convinced that he had a child with a Louisiana waitress with bedeviling eyes when he graduated from college, but the child was given up for adoption. Further suggest to Mr. Dither that the best way to find his child is to post a video of himself on YouTube in which he repeats the phrase "I am Harold Dither, and I am looking for my son," in 21 different languages. At the end of the video the control word, "alkiline," is uttered, and the formerly hypnotized person looks confused and embarassed.
- Typing out the names of punctuation comma confusing most other people who are not used to this particular meme semicolon the whole meme breaks down because most people do not know the correct place to use a comma period colon end parenthesis
- Pogs, pogs, pogs.
- Baking cookies using white sugar and molasses rather than brown sugar.
- Referring to President Obama as "TealMa," because "0ba" is the hexadecimal code for the color teal.
- Not using the computer so dang much.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Every day he sips a minuscule amount of beer, then photographs the glass. The glass is covered to prevent beer loss due to evaporation.
He creates a YouTube video of the photographs set to arpeggios played on an acoustic guitar. The time lapse of flat, tepid alcohol slowly vanishing from the glass fails to impress anyone.
Monday, March 2, 2009
The first font is a surprisingly readable condensed serif font, which is then used as the font for the remaining posts. Anyone who does not take the time to download the first day's font instead must read the blog in courier, which everyone here knows is ridiculous, because courier is a fixed-width font, and reading a blog in a fixed-width font is like sailing a boat without arms, water, or a sextant.
Day 5's font is made up of smiley faces that sort of, if you squint, look like letters.
The 17th font on the blog, posted a mere 123 days into the project, is named "Can't Think of A Name.ttf" and is remarkably similar to the artist's handwriting.
On day 156, Smelvetica is posted. Smelvetica is simply the Arial font, but with all of the the H's replaced with "Sm"s.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
After 3 weeks, each day's doll will weigh more than 10 pounds. This does not seem impressive, but remember that these dolls are made of balsa wood, the lightest wood known to man.
Due to a bizarre fact of science the volume of the dolls will increase cubically, whereas the diameter of the dolls increase linearly. Such considerations will be left for another blog to consider.
After post 53, the posts will inexplicably stop. Several days later a news story will spread across the internet, as these things tend to do, that a 24 year old software designer from Hoboken was found crushed under many layers of balsa wood. Snopes.com will quickly point out that the whole thing was a hoax.
The funeral will be solemn, and as the software designer's mother delivers a plaintive elegy, her son's casket will be lowered into another, larger casket. We all know how this ends.