Sunday, May 31, 2009

Blog of Guessing What Happened At Parties The Blogger Didn't Go To

Date: May 17th, 2008
Party: Crazy Wig Party, Samantha's House

So first off, everyone probably got really drunk, but on really really good booze. Hundred dollar, gold-infused booze. Then they did drugs, like really good drugs. I MEAN REALLY AMAZING DRUGS! They will never forget that party.

But I will. Because I wasn't there. I couldn't find a wig in time.


Date: July 4th, 2008
Party: Dave's 4th of July Party and BBQ

The BBQ had been slow cooking for hours. The fireworks were so loud and so amazing that clouds cried. There was a keg filled with root beer, which was used to continually fill up root beer floats. Everyone there was granted Super-American status, and now they don't have to pay taxes. But in a good way.

Ugh.


Date: August 24th, 2008
Party: Ed's Bar Private Event

First off, everyone took off their clothes. And then, sex. S-E-X.

Meanwhile, I watched Mannequin 2: On The Move in Spanish on Univision. I didn't really understand what was going on.


Date: December 19th, 2008
Party: FedEx Kinko's Management Christmas Party

Although the Secret Santas were not allowed to purchase anything over $10, each gift was genuinely touching and thought through. One person got a new car! Another got a life-saving bone marrow transplant! Christmas partys are great!

Unless you're working. To cover your manager's shift.


Date: December 25th, 2008
Party: Family's Christmas Celebration

So my whole family gathers around the tree. Everyone exchanges presents. But then, what do they find? I'm NOT there! But it doesn't matter, because they find that the biggest gift is from me, and it has a card attached which says "Thank you for being a friend."

And thanks for not offering to pay for my plane ticket home.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Blog That Is a Lat e1960s-Early 1970s Mixtape, Updated Daily

With this blog, one song will be added a day to a killer late 1960s-early 1970s mixtape. By the time to blog has ended, it will be the world's longest late 1960s-early 1970s mixtape.

  • "Mr. Flower Man, Why Do You Frown?" by The Ketchup
  • "Sunshone" by The Helpfuls
  • "That Tingly Feeling On the Tip Of Your Aura is Love" by The Far-Outs
  • "Little Birdy, Let's Go To San Francisco Together" by The Draft Yankees
  • "Your Eyes Are So Pretty, Hippy Lady" by The Much Rooms
  • "In The Astral Plane" by Edgar Zeef and His Happy Followers
  • "Orange Floating Happiness" by Lonely Soldier Dunn
  • "Put A Flower In Your Hat and Mint in Your Shoes" by Sammy Stonewall
  • "Mind Trip" by The Heavy Thinkers
  • "The Far Out Man" by Maryanne Janeanne

Friday, May 29, 2009

Blog of Things To Like Ironically

  • Mullets
  • Black Velvet paintings
  • 70s Television
  • Non-Ironic Attachments
  • Math and Science
  • Ted Danson

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Blog of Cute Things to Say To A Baby

  • Whosa watchums? WHOOSA WATCHUMS?
  • Buggity buggity boo! BUGGITY BUGGITY BOO!
  • Zoopy zoopy zoop? ZOOPY ZOOPY ZOOP!
  • A buhbuhbuh. A buhbuhbuh! A BUHBUHBUHBUHBUH!
  • Heehooheehoo. HEEHOOHEEHOO!
  • Booey booey booey. BOOEY BOOEY!
  • Whaza kewtie pie? WHAZA WITTLE KEWTIE PIE?

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Blog of Pizza Toppings for Rich People

  • Gorilla
  • Lamborghini
  • 1,000 year old cheese
  • Other, very expensive pizzas
  • The good parts of Los Angeles
  • Gold covered diamonds
  • Bacon
  • Dragon Wings
  • Cheese, baked INTO the crust
  • Pepperonis cloned from the Great Pepperoni
  • $1,000,000 in Monopoly Money

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Blog of Theme Song Melodies

  • The first part is like "duh duhduhduh," then it goes "bum bum!"
  • A trumpet plays, over rock guitar, this like "doo doo doo, doo doo!" then guitar goes "rwao!"
  • A chorus with a lot of "oooh ooh awes" then a soul singer sings "yeahhhhhh...woah...hey!"
  • Piew pow! Piew piew pow!
  • Unch unch unch unch tk tk tk unch unch unch unch
  • Xylophone and harp! Both playing the same melody, sort of an upbeat, like "bah da da! bah duh-dah bah...dip dip dip!"
  • "Boo boo boo, boo boo BOO, boo BOO boo BOO BOO!" (repeat)

Monday, May 25, 2009

Blog of Games for Children

*Where's the Monster?

Everyone covers his/her eyes, counts to 20, then opens them. After everyone has opened his/her eyes, he/she searches for the Monster! After 5 minutes, the children realize that THEY are the true monster. Every time they've been mean to someone, every time they've lied, every time they've done something they wish knew they hadn't, they gave up their humanity just a little.

(Note: This game invented by a young Rod Serling. He was borderline creepy, even then.)


*Space Aliens vs Indians

Half the children pretend they are peaceful Native Americans (hereafter referred to, incorrectly, as "Indians"). These children take part in various cultural ceremonies, which mostly involve talking in slow, stilted English and not using correct verb tenses. The other children are the Space Aliens. They land and quickly destroy the Indians with their far superior weaponry. When only 1 Indian remains, the Space Aliens teach that Indian their secrets, and they all build a pyramid together. BECAUSE IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT THERE IS NO WAY THAT HUMANS COULD HAVE BUILT THE PYRAMIDS. The pyramids are just too complicated. Space alien technology must have been involved.

(Note: This game educates as it entertains.)


*TAG Body Spray® Tag

One child is "it." This child is given a can of TAG Body Spray®. The other children are given a 10 second head start. The child who is "it" tries to cover the other children with TAG Body Spray®. This game can be played for hours and hours. If the children run out of TAG Body Spray®, they must beg their parents, forcefully and repeatedly, for more TAG Body Spray®.

(Note: This game invented by Proctor & Gamble, owners of TAG Body Spray® and its subsidiaries. )


*Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones

One child is the "Geek." Everyone else tries to hurt this child as much as possible without actually physically hurting him/her. This game never really ends until the "Geek" either gains the psychic abilities he/she always suspected lay dormant within and exacts a horrible revenge, or he/she becomes a blogger, and hides the past in a thick blanket of sarcasm and feigned elitism.


*Historical CryptoFeminism

For 3-5 children. Children search works of antiquity for early evidence of feminist thought. ONCE AGAIN, ANY EVIDENCE OF SUCH MODERN VIEWS AND MODES OF THOUGHT CAN ONLY BE EXPLAINED BY SPACE ALIENS.

(Note: This game edutains as it entercates.)


*Jab In The Eye, Kick In The Teeth

Should never, ever be played. Please, please never play this game.


*Potato or Boulder?

One child, the "draw-er," draws a picture of either a potato or a boulder. The other children must collectively decide if the picture is of a potato or of a boulder. If they guess correctly, they get the pleasure of a job well done. If they guess incorrectly, then they know that at least they learned valuable communication skills that will help them for the rest of their life. Someone new is now the draw-er.

(Note: This game is hours of fun.)

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Blog of Spoilers!

This blog pledges to spoil your enjoyment of something every single day, simply by telling you the ending.

SPOILER ALERT!

Movies: Generally end with a credit sequence.

SPOILER ALERT!

Pencils: Long before you sharpen it down to the theoretical lower limit of pencil length (approximately 1"), you will lose it. You will not realize you lost the pencil until you need a pencil. It's loss will go unmourned.

SPOILER ALERT!

Supermarket Checkout Line: Will seem like the slowest line in the store. The cashier will hand back your change and the receipt at the same time, causing you to stop to put the receipt in the bag and the change in your pocket/purse. This will hold up the line for 5 seconds, which you will feel bad about for the next 30 minutes.

SPOILER ALERT!

Eating beans: Someone will make a joke about farting. Perfunctory chuckles will ensue.

SPOILER ALERT!

Bible (Old Testament): God will get very angry.

SPOILER ALERT!

Bible (New Testament): Jesus will arrive, then die, then come back, then leave. Then: CRAZINESS.

SPOILER ALERT!

Sandwich: Once you eat that sandwich, you're not going to have any sandwich left.

SPOILER ALERT!

Magic: Is not actually magic. Sorry.

SPOILER ALERT!

That Mail-in Rebate: Will be more hassle than it is worth.

SPOILER ALERT!

Ideas you held in college: Will seem less important. Some will seem ridiculous.

SPOILER ALERT!

The Die: Will roll a number from 1 to 6, inclusive.

SPOILER ALERT!

The Juicer: Will not be used as often as you originally claimed it would when you ordered it.

SPOILER ALERT!

Trivial Pursuit: Will be less and less fun as time passes. You will have 2 pieces of pie. Others will have more pieces than you, but no more than 4. You will want to quit, but don't want to seem like a sore loser. You wait until you are ahead so you can amicably quit the game. Others will continue playing due to respect for your choice of game. Finally, someone will yawn and say "It looks like it's time for me to turn in."

SPOILER ALERT!

This blog: Will gradually be updated less and less frequently. Each post will start with an apology for not posting. Finally, all updates will stop.

SPOILER ALERT!

You: Will die someday.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Blog of Oh Crap What Should I Blog About How About Things On My Desk Here

  • Okay here so let's see it looks like there's some post it notes. That's pretty great, huh? Post-it notes. Another great example of an invention by someone who wasn't looking for anything in particular. You never know when inspiration might strike, is the point. Like, for instance, right now, looking over my desk, suddenly inspiration may strike me...but it has not.
  • Monitor, monitor, monitor. Minotaur! Half-bull, half-man. Just like a monitor is half screen, half back-of-screen. So many connections. So many possibilities. If anyone has any feedback about this blog, feel free to leave comments!
  • Lint brushes are the under appreciated workhorses of the white collar industry, when you think about it. They keep people with cats and/or dogs from appearing as if they own cats and/or dogs. What would do without lint brushes? Probably all get blue-collar jobs. Not that there's anything wrong with that. It's just that lint brushes are important is all.
  • What the hell is this? Jesus, that's weird. I think it's just a piece of paper, but it kind of looks like a bug? Not sure.
  • Scissors are really like humans, if you think about it. The cutting part of the scissors is like a person's legs, and the loop parts are like the torso. The bolt in the middle is kind of like a person's waist, because both serve as pivot points. If there were more parts to scissors I could continue this analogy farther.
  • Speakers. Without speakers, using computers would be purely a visual experience. Speakers add SOUND to that experience, making TWO total ways of experiencing the internet. Without speakers, what would the internet be like? Close your eyes and think about it. It's like that.
  • This can of empty Mountain Dew is like a calling card of sorts. You see, I started drinking Mountain Dew way before it was cool, when the only people who drank it were me & wind surfers & harcore skaters. Now everyone drinks it. This can is empty. I think I'll go recycle it. Sorry about this lame blog post.
  • Crap. I really shouldn't have cleaned my desk. Uhm....air? There's air on my desk? Air is important, right? Politicians should spend more time talking about air. No one is anti-air.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Blog of Dinner Ideas

  • Let's see, what do we have here? Maybe some rice? I've got that brown rice that you like, and I was thinking we could cook some chicken with it? Chicken and rice?
  • These carrots are going to go bad, so whatever we make, let's have carrots on the side, okay?
  • Can we just order pizza? I am way too tired to cook.
  • Hungry Man Dinner with Syrup and Meat Chunks
  • Pork, On Fire
  • Oh my goodness! We haven't had meatloaf in AGES!
  • The chunky soup? What's that called?

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Blog of Ideas for Cover Art for Heavy Metal Albums

  • Woman in leather fights demon.
  • Demon fights devil.
  • Two devils setting off fireworks.
  • Sports car driven by Satan.
  • Bikini-clad woman with evil eyes.
  • Naked woman rising from smoke.
  • Car made out of demons.
  • Chains made out of naked women.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Blog of Ideas for Cross-overs, Every Day

  • Nietzsche's √úbermensch vs the Flash
  • Captain Crunch Beefheart
  • Law & Order & Lewis & Clark, SVU
  • Cosby, Stills, and Nash
  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Meet Clara Barton
  • American Midol

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Blog of Away Messages

  • I am currently away from the computer.
  • If you are trying to chat with me, I am not chatting back. This is an automated response. Do not try to respond to it, or you will receive another automated response.
  • Away.
  • Sorry, stepped away for a moment. Please entertain yourself while you wait for me to return.
  • Although my chat client is currently online, I am not using it. Why I left my chat client connected but walked away is beyond me.
  • I am away. Genuinely away. This is not an away message posted just to make it seem like I'm away, because I don't want to talk to you. This is starting to sound suspicious, isn't it? Well, I'm away. For reals.
  • Click here for info on this message.
  • This Away Message was purchased from the Blog of Away Messages.
  • There is no one here to respond to your messages. Please stop.
  • OMG! Right?
  • I am doing real-life stuff right now.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Daily Blog of Sidekicks

  • Helpful Lad
  • Detective #2
  • Sloppy Seconds
  • Turnip, The Helper
  • Minor Deity
  • Garfunkel
  • Good-boy
  • Right Hand

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Daily Blog of Hilarious Typos!

On the American Airlines website, when searching for flights to Missoula, Montana, it only mentions flights to "Missoula MT" Uhm...hello? WHERE'S THE COMMA? I smell a typo!

TYPO! TYPO! TYPO!

An eagle-eyed reader sent in this little typo, spotted at a fruit stand. It's a picture of her local produce stand, with a sign that reads "Apples ¢79" That's funny, because that's not a unit of currency I understand. I THINK he meant "Apples 79¢." After all, the cent sign goes AFTER the units, unlike the dollar sign! Anyone smell the smell that I am currently smelling? If so, you're smelling typo!

TYPO! TYPO! TYPO!

In the U.S. Constitution, Article I, Section 2, the author states:
The actual Enumeration shall be made within three Years after the first Meeting of the Congress of the United States, and within every subsequent Term of ten Years, in such Manner as they shall by Law direct.
Okay, that's great, but WHAT'S WITH ALL THE UNNECESSARY CAPITALIZATION??? Democracy, you REEK of typos!

TYPO! TYPO! TYPO!

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Daily Blog of Ways to Recycle Extra Buttons

  • Use them to replace buttons that have fallen off.
  • Place in soda: button soda!
  • Inexpensive Pog substitute, should you be transported back to 1993, but not have enough money to buy pogs.
  • Eyes for that rabbit that you will love with all of your heart, but accidentally leave behind when you finally leave the summer house; the loss will be both poignant and heart-wrenching, but you will have finally grown up.
  • Pennies for blind people. Blind people who also cannot feel, and so won't notice that it's not a penny, but a button. On second thought, don't do that.
  • Ballast for a hot air balloon. (Works best with buttons made of lead. Millions of buttons made of lead.)
  • Use like a magic eight ball: ask the button questions. "Not sure -- Ask again later."
  • If there is a drought, throw buttons into the air. It's raining buttons!
  • Use as an object of comparison in regards to relative cuteness.
  • Use it to replace part FG-1065 in a standard 2PD-0919 (hexagonal) socket.
  • Daddy is gone. But this button won't leave! This button is new Daddy!
  • Button Monopoly. Like normal Monopoly, but instead everyone fights over ownership of a big pile of buttons.
  • Hang a button on the wall. Now it's art. But, really, what is art? It's so subjective, man. It could be this button, because it's on the wall. That's what art is. But is it art when the button is in a craft drawer? What if it's on a jacket? In other words, use that button to BLOW SOME FUCKING MINDS.
  • Hold the 2009 Button Olympics. Categories include: Being Round, Number of Holes, 500m Relay, Shininess, and Couples Figure Skate.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Ailments Created By Advertising Agencies Blog


  • The horror of Not Enough Stripes on Your Socks
  • Cutlery drawer not minty enough?
  • Your eyes are slightly uneven. You should buy an Norelco Eye-Evener.
  • Buy the Kneecap wizard and you'll never have to worry about Over-Bending again!
  • Johnny could have been Mr. Popular...instead, he was Mr. Corner-of-the-Mouth-Crust!
  • Hey there stinky eyebrows. If you plan on getting dates, you better take care of that oraculotosis: Get some deodorant for your eyebrows! Eye Spice Brand Eyebrow Deodorant will leave you with Navy-fresh eyebrows!
  • Well, well, well. If it isn't young Tommy Thompson. Seems young Tommy is suffering from Non-Radial Hair Growth. Good thing you're living in the modern world...because we can fix it!
  • Millie just couldn't understand why her boss kept ignoring her. If only someone had told Millie about her Aggressively Pronounced Cuticles!
  • Over 40% of people suffer in silence from the affliction known as Overly Pigmented Small Intestine. Well, they don't have to suffer any longer.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Answer To An SAT Question Every Day Blog

May 3rd:
A

May 4th:
B

May 5th:
E

May 6th:
B

May 8th:
C

PS: Sorry I didn't post yesterday; the answer was D.

May 9th:
A

May 10th:
E

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Blog of Ineffectual Bumper Stickers

  • Vote No on Propositions That Attempt to Correct Flaws In Our Education System With More Standardized Tests Rather Than Rooting Out and Fixing The Underlying Ills
  • Don't Use Arial When Helvetica Is Available
  • Let's Tie The US Dollar to the Gold Standard Again
  • Vote Walter Mondale in '84
  • If You Love Someone Very Much, Ask Him/Her to Marry You
  • Read Pamphlets
  • Study Calculus
  • Don't Think About Potato Chips
  • Bury Treasure; Leave Elaborate Maps
  • Don't Be Too Strict With Your Kids, But Don't Be Too Lenient Either. Basically, You Should Be A Parent To Them, Not A Friend.
  • Bet On Horse Races
  • REMEMBER
  • Have You Had Any Vodka Today?

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Daily Blog of Unnecessary Lists

  • 27 Reasons You Should Brush Your Teeth
  • The Best 10 Films with the Word "The" in Their Titles
  • 65 Hardest Sudoku Puzzles Ever Abandoned In Disgust and Boredom
  • 12 of the Longest non-Pokemon, non-Star Wars Wikipedia Pages
  • 5 Films That Have Actors Pretending to Be People Who Are Not Themselves
  • The 300 Funniest Words in the Esperanto Language
  • Top 2 Uses for Feet
  • 10 of the Worst Uses of "OMG" ever
  • The 4 Coolest Houses in Hogwarts
  • The Best 65,536 Pictures of Cats With LOLZ Added
  • Hottest 17 Pictures of Wilford Brimley Ever Printed
  • Favorite 13 Games for the Virtual Boy
  • The Top 1 "Donnie Darko" Movies Because Donnie Darko is Totally Awesome, RIGHT???
  • Greatest 100 Lists Ever Assembled For No Particular Reason

Monday, May 11, 2009

Daily Blog, Created By Computer Program

This blog uses words and phrases from other blogs, compiled and analyzed by computer program, and spits them out into a new blog.

01010101010

I have listened to new music omg new music that please iTunes listen to it readily. Jonas bothers? Lady Gaga is important will change your life.

01010101010

Apple has done it again, but iPod killer is definitely in the running as it is also a big mistake from Apple very buggy I think feature-rich is there content enough?

01010101010

Politicians are stupid, detached from everyday those idiots in Washington, D.C. and Ron Paul is going to change things.

01010101010

New movie leaked very surprising plot spoilers ahead star has suggested special nude photos leaked new direction surprising screenshots below.

01010101010

Revenue is down without valuable business model very interesting facebook MySpace will not be friendster, twitter explains new IPO for new CEO replaces old CEO very interesting new direction.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Daily Blog of Excitement!

Day 1:

Every day this blog will bring you excitement!

Day 2:

The excitement continues! What's that in front of you? EXCITING!

Day 10:

What if there was a giant boulder in front of you? AND IT WAS ROLLING??? Think about it.

Day 26:

A rocket goes off! Boom!

Day 63:

A CHAIN REACTION IS OCCURRING.

Day 104:

Uhm....excitement?

Day 140:

I am playing ExciteBike! For the Nintendo!

Day 190:

!!!!!!!

Day 214:

I...am not that excited anymore.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Blog of Topics for Dinner Conversation

Every day, this blog will give you another topic to talk about at dinner.

  • How'd you make this? It's delicious!
  • So, how's school going?
  • You know, I never liked cauliflower as a kid, but now I can't get it enough of it. You know how that is?
  • This is an exquisite gravy boat. Where'd you get it?
  • I wish I had more opportunities to use my broiler.
  • Do I smell something delicious?
  • How do you manage?
  • Do you guys mind if I excuse myself to go make a phone call?
  • Cody said something hilarious yesterday, let's see if we can make her say it again.
  • How's work?
  • Think you can manage seconds?
  • Why do people make such a big deal over feeding the dog at the table? I mean, really.
  • Is it still called pot roast if you bake it in a pan? I say yes.
  • Politics, huh?
  • Who has room for desert?

Friday, May 8, 2009

Transcript of Things Said By Other People, In-Game

A daily blog of things said, or rather typed, by other people playing an online game.

------

Haxxor12232: You are gay.
L33t10: yur gay
Haxxor12232: your so gay
L33t10: gay gay gay

------

Bombadil_Tom: hey guys havent played in a while how do you quickchange to scope again?
KKKomboBRAKER: i will show u
KKKomboBRAKER: thatz how
Bombadil_Tom: okay...so i'm dead now...how come I'm not automatically respawning?
[KKKomboBRAKER has called a vote to kick Bombadil_Tom]
[user Bombadil_Tom kicked]

------

LAY-Z-SUNDAY: that's not fair
LAY-Z-SUNDAY: WHAT THE HELL???
LAY-Z-SUNDAY: WHAT DID YOU HACK THIS???
LAY-Z-SUNDAY: how the hell did you shoot met?
LAY-Z-SUNDAY: me?
LAY-Z-SUNDAY:THIS IS FUCKING UNFAIR
LAY-Z-SUNDAY: I HATE U SOOOOOO MUCH I WIL TAKE U DOWN
LAY-Z-SUNDAY: EVERYONE KICK BUMRUSHER HE IS A HACKR
[user Scout14TF2 has called a vote to kick LAY-Z-SUNDAY]
[user totallysolid has called a vote to kick LAY-Z-SUNDAY]
[user cheeze-whiz has called a vote to kick LAY-Z-SUNDAY]
[user LAY-Z-SUNDAY kicked]

------

GlenBeck: hey guys wait here
GlenBeck: where are you going wait
ShroomStompr: hurrey up
GlenBeck: hold on there's a secret here
ShroomStompr: it dosnt matter hurry up
GlenBeck: there's a secret! we'll win, we can get right to there base
GlenBeck: whop the hell shoot me?

------

NUM_ONE_PLAYR: u fuckers r goin down.
[NUM_ONE_PLAYR has been killed]
NUM_ONE_PLAYR: lucky
[NUM_ONE_PLAYR has been killed]
NUM_ONE_PLAYR: bullshit
[NUM_ONE_PLAYR has been killed]
[NUM_ONE_PLAYR has been killed]
NUM_ONE_PLAYR: u just wat until i get a rocketlauncher
[NUM_ONE_PLAYR has been killed]
NUM_ONE_PLAYR: its my turn now bitches
NUM_ONE_PLAYR: its rocketlauncher time
[NUM_ONE_PLAYR has been killed]

Thursday, May 7, 2009

The Rickroll-a-Day Blog

Hey, so there's this GREAT piece of porn, it has that one celebrity, you know, who never does nudity. Any way, it's here.

RICKROFL

What's that? Did you hear what the president said? That's crazy! you can read it here.

RICKROFL

Are you tired of being Rick Rolled? You can block them by clicking here.

RICKROFL

Click here.

RICKROFL

Really, you should click here.

RICKROFL

Oh, there's a dinosaur or something! It's after you. There's dinosaur poison for sale here.

RICKROFL

The internet is made up of interconnected links, like this one here.

RICKROFL

here.

RICKROFL

Do you want to hear a song? Click here.

RICKROFL

Do you remember Rick Rolling? No? Well, click here and you can read all about it.

RICKROFL

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Blog of Captions from New Yorker Cartoons

  • "I'm sorry, I thought we were seeing the Ring Cycle tonight."
  • "I prefer lawyers with less MSG."
  • "I told you, I haven't seen your checkbook!"
  • "Well, this is certainly going to put a crimp in our vacation."
  • "What's that stegosaurus doing in Sach's?"
  • "Bagel, smagel! I want that penguin!"
  • "This school play seems like a mix of Ingmar Bergman and D.W. Griffith."
  • "Is this the mustache I walked in with?"
  • "Waiter, there is a mortgage-backed security in my soup."
  • "I'm going to be honest: you're not the first therapist to mention the banana suit."
  • "I think my dog-walker is turning Rex against me."
  • "Your ultrasound has revealed your child's gender and Twitter name."
  • "Don't give me that old 'a shark is attacking me' routine. I'm not budging."
  • "Well, it's raining umbrella's again."
  • "I wouldn't remarry him, but I'd definitely redivorce him.
  • "Can I call you back? My laptop has to meet its therapist in half an hour."

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Daily Blog of Age-Old Debates, Settled.

Pancakes vs Waffles:
Winner: Waffles. The pockets allow better syrup retention.

Superman vs Flash:
Winner: Flash. Otherwise, what's the point of the Flash?

Boxers vs Briefs:
Tie. Boxer briefs are the winner.

Brown vs Board of Education:
Winner: Brown.

6 of One vs Half-a-Dozen Of the Other:
Half-a-Dozen wins in a photo finish.

Prospectors vs Phil Spector:
Winner: Phil Spector.

1996 Bulls vs 1927 Yankees:
The Bulls pull into an early lead, but after an unnecessarily sacrificed rook, the 1927 "Murderers' Row" Yankees are able to box in the Bulls queen using a bishop and two knights. Yankees win.

Bill Pullman vs Bill Paxton:
Winner: The audience.

Ketchup vs Catsup:
Winner: Mayonnaise.

Cats vs Dogs:
Winner: Dogs.

Fact vs Fiction:
Winner: Fiction.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Conspiracy Theory Every Day Blog

Pearl Harbor was actually attacked by the Germans. Why did they attack Pearl Harbor? Because they knew that, if the Axis won WWII, then Japan would totally come after Germany. So Germany decided to try to neutralize Japan while it totally conquered Europe. They were helped in their plan by the Ford Motor Company, which designed planes that look like Japanese planes, but if you look closely you'll notice that the cockpits were built to American specifications, not Japanese specifications. CONSPIRACY FACT.

The entire province of Manitoba is fake. It was designed on a Toronto soundstage in the 1950s so that Canada could avoid paying taxes. The entirely fictitious province soon became a convenient tax shelter for Canada's growing elite cadre of the super-wealthy. If you'll notice, nothing has ever been invented in Manitoba, and on the Canadian two-dollar bill it has a picture of Canada, including the Sea of Pegwyn, which lies between Saskatchewan and Ontario. In the following map, the sea, which has been replaced in most maps with "Manitoba," is colored red. The Sea of Pegwyn has been surrounded for ten miles around by helpful and polite signs that suggest "Please turn around, if you wouldn't mind. Manitoba is ahead. You can see it just fine from your television set. Please turn back, if you don't mind, or we'll shoot you." The only place lacking this sign is the south border of Minnesota (even North Dakota kow-towed to the powerful Canadian lobby). Admit it: you do not know anyone from Manitoba. If you do, I ask you this: is that person actually a seal or fish of some sort? CONSPIRACY FACT.

This blog is a plant by the US government to make other conspiracy theorists look bad. The ludicrous evidence, if you can call it that, for this conspiracy theory, or rather, conspiracy "silly", is that the blog is registered to the FBI, frequently updated from IP addresses located in the J Edgar Hoover Buildin in Washington, DC, and those who have submitted conspiracy theories that malign the government are often found drowned in the Sea of Pegwyn, aka Manitoba. CONSPIRACY CRAZY TALK THAT SHOULD BE IGNORED. MOVING ON,

Bill Maher was released by Coke to make Coke with High Fructose Corn Syrup seem better in comparison. CONSPIRACY FACT.

Duke Francois Anjou is likely amassing an army filled with the finest archers and pikemen the European continent has ever known. His likely target is the decently-regarded King Charles VI, who has recently threatened to remove Anjou's dukedom and offer it to a favored courtesan. CONSPIRACY FACT.

Belly buttons are the scars left over from when hospitals harvest your nutrient-rich navel, which hospitals sell in the black markets of China. A navel is believed by the Chinese to be a powerful grossodesiac, or item which weirds out those who think about it and are easily grossed out. If you want proof of this conspiracy, look no farther than your own stomach. CONSPIRACY FACT.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Daily Blog of Anime Plots

  • Giant robots land on Earth and fight each other.
  • Well-endowed vampires fight werewolves.
  • Tiny robots fight medium-sized robots.
  • A mystical scroll is found; scroll has giant tits.
  • Monster with a thousand tentacles fights schoolgirls.
  • Ninja slices people in broad sweeping motions for no apparent reason.
  • Vampires with robotic exoskeletons.
  • Biker gang of vampires.
  • Schoolgirls build robot; robot fights giant lizards.
  • Spheres with magical power slow down plot.
  • Giant schoolgirls fight subway perverts.
  • Surgeon performs surgery with katana: blood spurts slowly and to great heights.
  • Fighter jets in space have sex.
  • Awkward schoolgirl changes into vampire with giant tits and throwing stars.
  • Werewolf with talking pistol fights evil humans.
  • Androids race against each other in Formula 1 cars.
  • Ninja with monkey sidekick travels the countryside.
  • Schoolgirl with giant pistol protects her friends.
  • Irradiated piece of sushi becomes gigantic. Fights aliens.
  • Astronaut has tiny robot sidekick.
  • Robots with tentacles.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Blog of Mixtape Titles

*You Will Love Me
*Are You Impressed By Me?
*Every Breath You Take
*I Am Sensitive
*These Are My Favorite 73 Cure Songs
*The Spotlight Is On You, Beautiful
*In Your Eyes
*Love
*This Will Help You Understand Me
*Mixtape Number 1

Friday, May 1, 2009

Blog of Predictions About the Future!

  • In the future, bloggers will rule the world like a race of kings. Unfortunately, non-bloggers will have developed horrific finger claws, capable of piercing iron. The battle between the two sides will be long and bloody. Unlike all other wars, history will be written not by the victor, but by the loser. In fact, too much will be written from the loser's perspective, and the non-bloggers will use their horrific finger claws to carve statues of iron depicting heroes from the other side; they will know no other heroes than the heroes the bloggers blogged about so incessantly.
  • There is a 30% chance of rain tomorrow.
  • Robots will have greater functionality than they currently do. In fact, technology in general will be more advanced in many various ways.
  • Vermont will finally secede from the Union, taking with it the life-blood of democracy: Vermont Cabot Cheese. The United States of America as we know it will collapse.
  • The ides of March will be uneventful, and you will barely notice it pass. Beware!
  • Facebook and MySpace will join forces, creating a social networking site three times as powerful as either of the sites individually. The site, called FacebookMySpace, will send each user 10,000 emails a day detailing what his or her FacebookMySpace friends are currently doing. "Your friend Lauren is currently receiving an email from FacebookMySpace! Click here to log in to your account and see if she's read it yet!"
  • Sol, the sun that this fueled Earth for so long, will turn into a Red Giant as its stores of hydrogen are almost completely consumed. Its outer layers will expand, pushing outward and consuming the Earth. Only bunny rabbits will be spared.