Sunday, June 28, 2009

Blog of Reasons that Girl, What Are You Thinking?

  • C'mon, just look at him.
  • NO. Just no.
  • You are NOT wearing that skirt.
  • What? WHAT? Are you joking? Is this some sort of joke?
  • He. Is. A. Player.
  • Please.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Blog of People Who Have Walked Into My Office, Looking Like Trouble.

Every day this blog will post about one person who walked into my office, looking like a big tall glass of trouble. Not that I wouldn't help, of course, but sometimes you just get that gut instinct. This time, that instinct was a 270 pound pug hitting me in the stomach, telling me "Hey kid, this here's trouble."

  • This tall leggy dame. You know the kind. Pouty lips and soft, caring eyes. Both lied, but what a lie.
  • Little squirrely guy. Big, thick glasses that didn't help him see that his socks were mismatched. But I didn't need glasses to see that trouble was following him around as surely as a dog follows the hot dog man.
  • Tall sucker. Not from around here. His jacket barely hit his waist, and I barely avoided hitting him square in the jaw, simply for having the audacity to come into my office, trailing so much g-d d--n trouble.
  • Cripes. Of all the days, why today? I had sworn to myself that if one more robot walked through the door, I'd become a nun and move down to San Miguel. Look like I need to go shopping for a habit.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Daily Blog of Automated Suggestions

  • If you like this blog, you may also like buttons.
  • If you like this blog, you may also like the internet.
  • If you like this blog, you may also like automated suggestions.
  • If you like this blog, you may also like fortune cookies.
  • If you like this blog, you may also like descriptive 19th century British novels about the gentry.
  • If you like this blog, you may also like the sun.
  • If you like this blog, you may also like mazes for children.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

The Blog of Blogs Names the Thing of Things.

  • Keyboard of Keyboards: The 1912 Royal No. 5 Typewriter
  • Soda of Sodas: CoolMint Pop (made in Kentucky from 1979 to 1982)
  • Comb of Combs: That black one, with the pointy things.
  • Element of Elements: Hydrogen.
  • Life-Sustaining Planet of Life-Sustaining Planets: Earth.
  • Bullet Point of Bullet Points: The one just to the left here. You know, the little circle.
  • Sarcastic Rejoinder of Sarcastic Rejoinders: "Oh, yeah?"
  • Die of Dice: White, with black dots. (non-fuzzy)

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Blog of Rejected Transformers

Robots that turn into:
  • Bust of Abraham Lincoln.
  • Turns from robot to slightly smaller robot.
  • Chinaman.
  • Sheet cake. (Has helper robots that are candles.)
  • Broom.
  • Hagrid, from the Harry Potter series.
  • A Tuna Fishing Boat.
  • Betamax player.
  • Roomba.
  • Instructional guide on how to dance the "robot."
  • An idea.
Please note that the preceding list does not distinguish whether or not each robot was a good "Autobot," (from the greek "auto," meaning "self," and "bot," the shortened form of robot. Autobots are "self robots," or, to be more precise, "self-actualized robots," meaning they are at peace with themselves) or an evil "Decepticon," (a combination of "deceptive" and "conniving," meaning the Decepticons are decieving themselves into thinking that they are good). This is because it is not up to us to decide if a robot is good or evil, and it is not made that way. It must find its own way over time to Autobot or Decepticon.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Daily Blog That Turns Out to Be A Dream

The latest album by Arcade Fire therefore isn't there best. It has plenty of things going for it, but...WOAH!

That's so weird. I dreamt that I cared about Arcade Fire.


Guys, if you don't treat each other with respect in the comments section, I'm going to turn off the comments. I don't have time to moderate all of these...


I was dreaming about...something. Comments? What the hell?

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Daily Blog of Describing Magic Tricks

Well, this doesn't seem like much of a trick. I guess he's just showing us that his sleeves roll up? Not much of a trick--HOLY SHIT WHERE'D THOSE FLOWERS COME FROM? Wow! They just appeared!


So someone from the audience is up on stage. She's getting into a box. It's a normal sized box, the kind you would put a whole lot of baseball bats into. So she's getting in. Hmmm. Her legs are sticking out the edge of the box. Maybe that's the trick? That he cut holes in the box? He's spinning the box around now, which is a nice trick. Clearly the box has a sturdy set of track wheels on the bottom, which can be hard to attach to a box like that...wait. He's got a saw. Is he going to saw the wheels off of the box, so it's immobile?

No...he's sawing the box in half! That fool! Did he forget that he just put a woman inside there? Someone better tell him that box isn't empty! Why can't he see that there's a woman in that box! HER LEGS ARE STICKING OUT OF THE BOTTOM, AND HER HEAD OUT OF THE TOP! Say something, woman!

Oh god...oh god oh god oh god. She's been cut clean in half. Oh god oh god...there's less blood than I'd expect...but I Can't watch. This is a dark day for magic, people...

Wait. He put her back together. Well, this seems to be lucky. She's okay! Oh thank god.


Okay, this guy has shuffled the deck. Not magic, but impressive. Now someone has to pull out a card. Maybe there is a string attached to the card?

No strings, apparently. We have to memorize the card. Well, it's the 5 of clubs. Nothing magical about that. That's a card that could appear in any nonmagical deck.

Now he's put the card back in the deck. Apparently, he's given up on the trick. He's just shuffling the deck up. Excuse me, I have been directed to look into my pocket. Well, someone left a 5 of clubs in my pocket. That is quite the coincidence, isn't it?

I wonder when this trick will start?

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Blog of Dangerous Effects From Simple Foods

The Peanut Butter Larvae

The Peanut Butter Larvae lives inside peanut butter. There is no way to test for it. Once you eat it, your days are numbered. THIS THING LIVES IN ORDINARY PEANUT BUTTER, PEOPLE! The only way to know if your peanut butter has been contaminated is through a visual inspection. The average Peanut Butter Larvae is 3 inches long, and bright pink. DO NOT EAT PEANUT BUTTER CONTAMINATED WITH PEANUT BUTTER LARVAE.

The Oreo Cookie Virus

Eating even a single Oreo cookie with the Oreo virus in it can be instantly fatal. There have been THOUSANDS of cases of Oreo Cookie virus in the media, several of them have almost been confirmed. The only way to avoid getting the Oreo cookie virus is through prayer, because let's be honest: it's not like you're going to stop eating cookies. EVEN IF THEY COULD KILL YOU.

Restaurant Ketchup Botulism

Restaurant Ketchup Botulism can be caught from Restaurant Ketchup. Not even using restaurant ketchup. JUST THINKING ABOUT IT. BE SCARED.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Daily Blog of Suspicious Activities

  • Questioning Authority
  • Repeating Statements Made by Authorities in a Sarcastic Manner
  • Comparing Actions Made by the Authorities to 1984 or Animal Farm
  • Evasive Smirking
  • Speaking in Pig Latin
  • Listening to Pink Floyd's "The Wall" More Than Once a Half-Decade
  • Loud, Angry Sighing
  • Buttering Bread That is Not Your Own
  • Offering A High Five, But Then Removing Hand Ostentatiously and Declaring "Too Slow."

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Daily Blog of the Day's Date

June 16th:

Today is June 16th.

June 17th:

Today is June 17th.

June 18th:

Today is June 18th.

June 20th:

Today is June 20th. Sorry about missing that post yesterday.

June 23rd:

Today is June 23rd.

July 18th:

Today is July 18th. Sorry I haven't been updating, I've been super busy at work.

July 30th:

Just installed Google Adsense. Trying to make a bit of money on this blog. I'll also try to update more.

August 1st:

Today is August 1st. Remember to click on the ad links!

August 26th:

Again, sorry for not updating. Oh, it's August 26th.

September 19th:

This blog will be shutting down.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Daily Blog of Catching Up With You

  • How're the kids?
  • Still rollerblading?
  • Is that garden still doing well?
  • How's...what's his name?
  • Do you still own that one shirt you used to wear? That shirt was great.
  • Updated your driver's license lately?
  • Have you seen anyone fatter than that one fat guy we saw at the mall?
  • How many days has it been since we've seen each other? How many preventable deaths occurred in that time?
  • You ever solve that mystery you kept going on about?
  • So, looks like you took care of that unibrow. Good work!
  • Still addicted to methadone?
  • How much have you missed me? Honestly.

Monday, June 15, 2009

This Blog is Breaking Up With You, Every Day

June 7th, 2009

I'm sorry. There will be no more posts after this one. It was great, but it's time for both of us to move on.

June 8h, 2009

You're still here? Really?

C'mon. Don't do this to yourself. Go to a different blog. No, don't say that. Don't be so melodramatic. There are millions and millions of other blogs.

June 9th, 2009

Look, I don't want to have to change my URL. Don't make me do this.

June 10th, 2009

Stop it. Just stop checking back here for updates.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Reviews of Animals

Giraffe: 3.5 stars
Hippo: 3 stars
Duck (Mallard): 2 stars
Pigeon: 1 star
Tiger: 4 stars
Penguin: 4 stars
Coyote: 2 stars
Snake (cobra): 1.5 stars
Human: 5 stars

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Daily Blog of Indescribable Sadness

It's too much. I just feel so much pain, you know?

: ( : ( : ( : ( : ( : (

This blog is not large enough to channel the darkness.

: ( : ( : ( : ( : ( : (

Morose. That is how I feel right now.

: ( : ( : ( : ( : ( : (

Tried to update the blog, but couldn't think of how to describe my sadness properly. This made me more even sadder.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Blog of Unholy Combinations

  • Peanut Butter and Pepperoni
  • Vampires and Guns
  • Ice Cream and Antifreeze
  • Hitler and Anything
  • Credit Cards and Booze
  • Deliciousness and Deadliness
  • Coke and Pepsi
  • Chinese Finger Trap and Fingers
  • The Moon and The Sun
  • Luggage and Crabjuice

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Video Game Tip Blog

Super Android

On level 3, walk into the wall on the right for 5 minutes. You will then pass through the wall into a room that has the Double Pistol, which you normally can't find until level 6.

Zombie Castle Invasion

Shoot the castle with your zombie gun. If you hit the castle in the right portcullis, the castle will turn purple.

Clean The House!

Use the mop on the broom. This will supercharge the broom, so it can clean 1.5 times as fast.

Click on a Series of Boxes

If you click near enough to the box, but not actually on the box, the program will interpret your click as if you had actually clicked on the box.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Yogurt Flavors

  • Tart
  • Melon-ish
  • Stew
  • Spring Rain
  • Chalupa
  • Youtube
  • Smoker's Cough
  • The Tears of a Dove
  • Chili

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Blog of Uneventful Days in World History

August 14th, 889 AD

Jerard Cooperson eats an entire loaf of bread while farming.

December 19th, 1978

Robert Benjamin opens up his few meager birthday presents, only to be told that he will receive the big presents on Christmas, 6 days from now. Not for the first time, he feels cheated.

May 3rd, 1936

Thomas Stowl sees a penny, picks it up, then tells his family, currently walking with him, "See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck!" His family pretends not to hear him.

September 19th, 2007

Daniel Hightower checks his email, finds he has not received any, then clicks "Reload" on the off chance that he received email in the several seconds that had passed. He had not.

June 23rd, 15920 BCE

A monkey burps, then laughs.

October 5th, 1983

Carl Blankenship realizes that disco is dead. This does not affect him in any meaningful way.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Blog of Intros to Science Fiction Shows

  • Space is vast, and uncaring. In the future, there will be people who travel through it.
  • Mankind never knew that its greatest enemy of all was itself.
  • Humans have learned to live peacefully with aliens. This is the story of the robots that serve them both.
  • Look around you. Do you notice anything weird? Maybe not yet, but you will. You are now in the Museum of the Bizarre. Watch your step.
  • What if wizards and dragons were real, but actually aliens? Well, they are. I should know. I'm a dragonslayer. My name is Captain Benjamin Trotsko. I pilot a spaceship.
  • Virtual reality has become reality.
  • Intergalactic factions have fought each other for millenia, searching for the Relic of Power. That relic is on Earth. I am that relic.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Blog of Cell Phone Features

  • One-way calling
  • Abrupt voice modulation
  • Automatic drunk txt
  • Blippy lights
  • So thin it causes your hands to bleed when you answer incoming calls
  • Comes in cool colors: sepia, earth tone, brown.
  • 7 screens
  • Annoying ring tone
  • Covered in velcro
  • Way too big for your pocket
  • Plays most boring video games
  • Smells like old ham
  • Must be purchases with 10-year contract

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Blog of Things to Say During Awkward Conversations

  • Well, this is awkward, right?
  • I have a hearing problem, and I didn't hear any of that. Let's move on.
  • What's that over there? I'm going to leave while you look.
  • Right, right.
  • I'm sorry, I thought we were talking about something else.
  • So, ever played Monopoly? That's quite the game.
  • Let's just eat, okay?
  • I'm dying.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Blog of Connections that Do Not Indicate a Conspiracy Theory

  • "Cheese" has exactly 6 letters. Woodrow Wilson sent exactly six letters on February 21st, 1913.
  • People from Baltimore sometimes pronounce "Baltimore" as "Ballmer." Steve Ballmer is CEO of Microsoft, a company which sells its Windows Operating System in many cities, including....Baltimore.
  • "La Cucaracha" is a song about a cockroach which cannot walk anymore. It starts with the word "la." In many songs, "la" is used to carry the melody, as in "la la la."
  • The Knights Templar was founded in 1119. If you reverse the numbers, you get 9111, which is a date very far in the future in which nothing has happened. Yet.
  • John F. Kennedy's initials were J.F.K. That's exactly 3 letters. C.I.A. also has 3 letters. The C.I.A. existed at the same time that Kennedy existed.
  • The speed of light in a vacuum is approximately 3 x 10^8 meters per second. The album Remain in Light, by the Talking Heads, has exactly 8 tracks, none of which are exactly 3 minutes long.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Blog of Well-Intentioned Advice

  • Make sure to save money responsibly.
  • A friend is a good thing to have.
  • Baskets can hold just about anything that is smaller than a basket.
  • Help people out.
  • If a restaurant charges you $1.50 to add cheese to an item, bring your own cheese!
  • Beware things that can hurt you.
  • Look people in the eyes. All the time.
  • Allow good things to happen in your life, while limiting the bad things that happen.
  • Believe the unbelievable, unbelieve the believable.
  • You can.
  • Don't pass the buck, but don't hold on to for too long either.
  • Block the sun with your hand if it's in your eyes.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Blog of Celebrating Milestones for This Blog

Hey guys, this is the very first post for the Blog of Celebrating Milestones for This Blog! I'm sure it may not seem like much now, but years from now everyone will look back on this post and think, "Hey, that's where it all started."

Post number 1!


TGIF. TGIF. That's right, Thank God It's Friday. This is the very first, and so far ONLY, post on a Friday. Never before, and not for at least another 6 days, has this blog been updated on a Friday.

Ladies and gentleman, this blog has reached a true milestone today. And all I can say is "TGIF."


6 is the magic number, oh yes it is, it's the magic number.
-School House Rock
That's right, this is post number 6. Many blogs don't make it to number 6. Some blogs only make it to 2, or 3, or 4 posts and then pack up. Not this blog. This blog, the Blog of Celebrating Milestones for This Blog, has made it well past 4, and past even 5 (what a milestone that was!) and is now at a total of SIX POSTS!

Why is six the magic number? It's the product of the first three positive integers: 1, 2, and 3. The next magic number post won't be until post 24. This post therefore has a special, hidden mathematical significance.


This post is not special. There is no milestone related to this post. This is the very first post to have nothing important associated with it! A truly meta-milestone for the Blog of Celebrating Milestones for This Blog.


This is the last post for the Blog of Celebrating Milestones for This Blog. When future civilizations unearth our data servers, restart the internet, and decode this blog, they will mark this day as one of great change. Their calendars will read: 856 A.B.o.C.M.f.T.B.S.D. That's 856 years After Blog of Celebrating Milestones for This Blog Shut Down.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Blog of Names of Green Paint

  • Evergreen
  • Oscar-fur
  • Envy
  • Leaf
  • Underside of leaf
  • Yellow + Blue
  • 00FF00
  • Seagreen
  • Matrix-Green
  • Space Alien Skin

Monday, June 1, 2009

Blog of 404 Messages

  • The blog you are looking for cannot be found. Please find it somewhere else.
  • Sorry, the page you requested is missing.
  • This blog has gone the way of print media.
  • Hey Sherlock! This page isn't here. Also, what are you doing here? THIS IS NOT VICTORIAN ENGLAND.
  • You failed to find this blog.
  • Error! Error!
  • BL404G
  • This is not an easter egg. This is a 404 message.
  • You broke the internet.
  • Go back to friendster, jackass. That's right, I said it. The page you are looking for cannot be found.
  • The URL you are trying to visit has slipped silently into a hidden crevice of the internet, perhaps never to be found again.